Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 24

July 24: Pioneer Day (Utah), Polygamy Week begins (also Utah)

• 967 - As I was going to St. Ives, I meet a man with seven wives. Each wife has seven cats, each cat has seven kits. I get the worst case of Cat-scratch disease you could imagine after trying to huff them all.
• 1132 - The Battle of Nocera between Ranulf II of Alife and Roger II of Sicily takes place in Italy. Ranulf's fettucine narrowly bests Roger's linguine, and Italy adopts fettucine as the National Stereotypical Food.
• 1487 - Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands, unsatisfied with watered-down domestics, rebel against a ban on foreign beer.
• 1762 - New Yorkers are frightened when something long and green is seen moving through the streets of the city. Upon finding it is a St. Patrick's Day parade still marching after four months, they become even more frightened.
• 1828 - Patrick Bell invents the reaping machine. The Grim Reaper is an early adopter but has trouble getting it to work efficiently until the 1860s.
• 1884 - Hiram Maxim invents the Maxim gun, the basis for the modern machine gun. Not realizing it was a weapon of war, it was bought by the thousands by organ grinders with tragic results.
• 1947 - Brigham Young and all his merry wives arrive in Utah to establish Mormonism, and in doing so guaranteed that even the ugliest son of a bitch (pictured) can have multiple mates.
• 1970 - The pocket calculator is invented, enabling easy identification of nerds.
• 1983 - Hacker Richard M. Stallman launches the GNU project, an effort to protect the endangered buffalo-like animal from extinction, using mainly open-source code. Gnus would insist that the project be written entirely in BASIC.
• 2000 - While on the Presidential campaign trail, George W. Bush reads a guide to living life that helps him on his way to the Oval Office. Dick Cheney helps him with the bigger words.
• 2008 - The Dark Knight is released, becoming an instant box-office smash hit, and reaching the all-time pinnacle for film for all history. However, Monty Python fans expecting a story about the Black Knight are deeply disappointed.