Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/December 29

December 29: Oh No You Fucking Don't Day

• In the beginning - After too many Russian reversal jokes, God turns the key and resets the universe to start the Big Bang all over again. In the process, coding for wonderful broxilopes and much-needed florpiness is lost forever.
• In the beginning - After one too many bad fake Oscar Wilde quotes, God once again hits the reset button and starts the Big Bang once again. This time, the quotes have already reached critical mass and fail to die. God then decides to punish the writers by creating killer bees, Rasberry Crazy Ants and Andy Dick.
• In the beginning - After too many Chuck Norris jokes, God turns the key and resets the universe to start the Big Bang all over again. He then allows perpetual stupidity and constant warfare, which only leads to more Chuck Norris jokes.
• 1434 - At the instigation of Gavin Menzies, Egyptians build the imaginary Suez Canal to allow the imaginary branch of the Grand Chinese Fleet to reach imaginary Italy in order to resupply themselves with imaginary noodles.
• 1491 - Amerigo Vespucci tries to hide in a back booth in a crowded restaurant, but Columbus is still able to discover Amerigo.
• 1532 - Children of Orthodox Christians start looking forward to Christmas which for them is sometime in the next 3 months.
• 1833 - Great Britain abolishes slavery, replacing it with a boot on the back of the neck. Belgium soon follows suit though still allows slavery of people whose names they can't pronounce.
• 1968 - Lemmings revolt and turn the tables, pushing Disney bulldozers over cliffs.
• 1981 - Bimbos officially become sluts.
• 1990 - The Monument to the Unknown Man With Plastic Shopping Bag is dedicated. Singlehanded, he stopped a column of tanks on their way to literally crush the 1989 Tiananmen Square protest. In later years he would be castigated for not using a recyclable bag and the memorial would be paved over for a Walmart parking lot.