UnScripts:Hitler learns that Uncyclopedia has engaged in copyright infringement

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Fade in

Hitler's office - undisclosed date

HITLER and the Third Reich GENERALS are in Hitler's office, standing in formation before him. Hitler appears to be calm, but the shiftiness in his eyes tells us that he may lose control of his emotions soon. They have come to tell him that Obergruppenführer Felix Steiner and his corps have investigated Uncyclopedia's Foreign Office in Berlin and found that Brigadier General Sir Zombiebaron has been engaging in copyright infringement.

Burgdorf

Uncyclopedia has grown in the past six years. They've taken over their original servers and are currently undertaking a new project. We found their Foreign Office in Berlin and extracted 198 megabytes of Village Dump archives that could give us clues as to what the hell they're doing.

Hitler

(wriggles his finger around)

What else have Steiner and his men found?

Burgdorf

(breathing heavily)

My Führer... Steiner...

He hesitates to finish talking. KEITEL fills in for him.

Keitel

Steiner and his men also found 384 pirated images and what appears to be a shitload of shock porn of your wife.

beat

Hitler puts his head on his desk. Everyone else watches in silence as he trembles in his seat, thinking something over. Finally, he removes his glasses and begins to speak.

Hitler

(trembling)

Those who do not have an account on Uncyclopedia, please leave so you can create one.

The officers exit, except Keitel, Jodl, Krebs and Burgdorf. The door shuts, and the CLICK it makes breaks the silence. Immediately, Hitler blushes, lifts his head, and violently picks up two pencils in his right hand.

Hitler

(yelling)

I can't believe this! Steiner must be fucking lying!

cut to: outside Hitler's office

We can still hear Hitler from outside the door.

Hitler (o.s.) (cont'd.)

Who the fuck are those "Uncyclopedians" to dare infringe my copyright?

cut to: inside Hitler's office

Hitler (cont'd.)

They don't even have lives! And their former Chairman quit a long time ago. Since then, they've degraded into this shit I have to endure spam from EVERY GODDAMN DAY! Even SOPA wouldn't have prevented this! Their admins are just a bunch of contemptible, disloyal cowards....

Burgdorf

(interrupting Hitler)

I can't permit you to insult the enemy.

Hitler (cont'd.)

They are cowards, pirates and failures!

Burgdorf (cont'd.)

My Führer, this is outrageous!

Hitler (cont'd.)

Their admins are the scum of the Internet!

Hitler throws the pencils on his desk. He gets up from his desk and starts pacing.

Hitler (cont'd.)

Not a shred of honour! They go around banning people. Years at a parody academy just to learn how to create terror in their citizens!

cut to: outside Hitler's office

We see a WOMAN trying to squeeze her way through the crowd of worried Generals standing outside the door.

Hitler (o.s.) (cont'd.)

For years, they've neglected to prevent copyright violations! Fuck ChiefjusticeDS and his negligence!

cut to: inside Hitler's office

Hitler (cont'd.)

Even their comrades at Wikipedia take copyright seriously! What I should have done... was liquidate their secret headquarters, as Bush did with those damn terrorists!

beat

Hitler sits back down.

Hitler (cont'd.)

I never edited Uncyclopedia, and yet I have conquered the Internet all by myself. Pirates.... I didn't have any intellectual property rights from the very beginning! What a monstrous betrayal of the integrity of the Internet! But all those pirates will pay. I'll go and shut down Uncyclopedia. They shall drown in their own legal problems!

beat

cut to: outside Hitler's office

We see a young woman named GERDA crying. Another WOMAN puts her hand on Gerda.

Woman

Don't worry, I heard Uncyclopedia will enforce a stricter copyright policy.

beat

cut to: inside Hitler's office

beat

Hitler

(muttering to himself)

My orders have fallen of ignorant ears. Under these circumstances, I can no longer have freedom on the Internet.... It's over.

beat

The Generals all look at each other.

Hitler (cont'd.)

Order on the Web is lost.

beat

We see Keitel trying to take off his cross. Hitler raises his head.

Hitler (cont'd.)

But, gentlemen, if you believe I am going to let anarchy take over, you are seriously mistaken. I'd rather ban myself and Zombiebaron.

beat

Hitler begins to lower his head.

Hitler (cont'd.)

Do whatever you like.

fade out