UnScripts:Alcoholic: The Untold Story

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“If some one were to make a good movie.....they're *hickup* too late.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Alcoholic: The Untold Story

Alcoholic:The Untold Story is a dramatic comedy based on quarter truths about a man's life and his unknown, heroic journey to help his friends...and himself.


Christopher Parry - Tommy Kage

Timothy Belly - Bretollini "Kingpin" Daniels

Ashleigh Meadows - Jackie Derman

Chris Rock - Carl Jones

Morgan Freeman - God

Rachel Southers - Fiona Redman

Aimee Winters - Amy Mathews

Michael Mac - "Pole Man"

Liam Winter - Davie Fernman

Jesus Christ - Timmy Orthwort

Jose Heralco - Luis Valecia

Jayson Pafil - Jayson "The P-Man" Portillo

Gir - As himself

The Plot[edit]

The Beginning[edit]

The movie begins with a scene of Tommy Kage (Christopher Parry), heavily drinking acid and vodka in a busted old bar and getting thrown out after throwing up over a hooker whom he tried to have sex with.

Tommy's number plate when he still was a worker for the mafia.

While he was passed out, he dreamt that he went to heaven (well, he probably did die and went up there) and God (Morgan Freeman) had a talk with him. He told him that he should do something useful with his life and/or find in himself what he really wants to be. So suddenly he finds himself in rehab with a nice colouring book So suddenly he finds himself in his ex-girlfriend Jackie's (Ashleigh Meadows) bedroom. She told him that she found him on the street and dragged him home. She also told him, "Bretollini called, he needs you to go and drive the moonshine across the state border." upon hearing that, he decided that the two of them should go on a massive road trip to help him get off his addiction of alcohol, and get him away from his old life of crime.

The Preparation[edit]

The Dodge in all of its glory.

So after they decided they should go together, they bought an orange Dodge Charger R/T from a scrap yard and fixed it up rather quickly, they then set off with a measly 2000 dollars.

The Journey[edit]

Well the title sort of says what this section is about, so......read on. They witness Vin Diesel's massacre of France after Luis Vittro called him a poofter. (He killed the entire population.) The only thing that happens after here is that they meet up with some friends, some enemies, and the mafia.

A Better Description Of The Journey[edit]

The two of them journey through desert, cities and small towns, running from the mafia who drive black Alfa Romeo Touring Cars. They meet Gir, a small, sort of retarded robot and invite him to join them on their journey. They meet up with Fiona Redman, a girl who used to have a crush on Tommy...and probably still does.

They also meet up with an old friend of Tommy's, who disappeared after joining the Marines. He told them that he became a Navy Seal and was captured in Cambodia and tortured for 6 months, and now that he's back he vows revenge on the mafia for no apparent reason.

The Death Of "Kingpin"[edit]

“This scene cost the production team $200,000........damn idiots.”

~ Christopher Parry on The Death Of Kingpin Scene

The final battle between the mafia and the small band of heroes is on top of a building.

Kingpin is cornered by Jackie, Gir, and Tommy. Luis is drinking some coffee on the corner.

Kingpin - You can't kill me! I'm your boss!

Kingpin pulls out a shotgun.

Kingpin - You don't have your friend Davie here to save you now!

Gir - Let's make cookies!!!!

Tommy - Jackie, distract Pinnie and I'm gonna get in the car...

Jackie takes off her top and Kingpin stares, while Tommy gets in the Charger

The Charger gets revved up and speeds toward Kingpin. The Charger just meters away from the edge, starts to turn. Tommy kicks the clutch and floors the gas, and the Charger does a drift, its tail centimeters away from Kingpin. Kingpin gets forced back in fear and falls off the building because of amazement at the drift that, yes, an AMERICAN CAR just did. As he fell, Davie's friends from the army shot at Kingpin with lasers and nail guns, effectively turning Kingpin into a burnt human pincushion.

The Ending[edit]

It ends with the mafia finally getting off Tommy's back and Tommy stopping his addiction to alcohol and him and Jackie getting back together. The movie ends with the two of them having a romantic drive in the Charger towards the sunset. And Gir flies in the background then crashes when he hits a cactus.

A note from the director: "The team ran out of money at the end so all we could do was make a rather cheesy, but emotionally weird ending."

Character Bios[edit]

Tommy Kage - Main character, former addict to alcohol. Wants to save friends from the mafia.

Bretollini "Kingpin" Daniels - Mafia godfather. Controls alcohol rackets and makes Tommy deliver moonshine.

Jackie Derman - Tommy's ex-girlfriend and partner in his journey.

Carl Jones - Token black guy who pops up at random moments.

God - The coolest guy in the film.

Fiona Redman - Tommy's old "friend" who tries to get him back into the addiction and in love with her.

Amy Mathews - Tommy's friend from college, wants to help but has her own battles to fight.

"Pole Man" - The local psycho/homeless guy/drunk (more than Tommy) armed with a 15 foot metal pole.

Davie Fernman - Helps Tommy at random moments by pulling out a massive Desert Eagle and a sawed-off shotgun...former army marine.

Amber Evans - Davie Fernman's hot girlfriend. Currently works as a nude/glamour/softcore model.

Timmy Orthwort - The fat guy of the group, wants help to get off his addiction of lard. Randomly sings Simple Plan songs. So he gets beaten up by Davie.

Luis Valecia - The town Mexican, helps Tommy out with inspirational talks and appears at random moments.

Jayson "The P-Man" Portillo - The local drug pusher, gets beaten to death by Pole Man when he was caught sitting on his bench.

Scenes From The Movie[edit]

“I'm really the star of the show.”

~ Rachel Southers on the movie

“Shut up you know I am.”

~ Michael Mac on the above quote

From the opening

Tommy - Hey bartender! Get us another jug over 'ere!

Bartender - God dammit you drunk, get the f**k outta here!

Bartender walks toward Tommy with a baseball bat.

Bartender - I kicked you out once, I'm gonna do it again!

Bartender hits Tommy on the head and throws him on to the street.

At an alcoholics seminar

Tommy - Hey, I'm Tommy and I haven't drunk alcohol for 10 days!

Some guy - Why do you look drunk?

Tommy - They never said anything about acid!

Tommy meets up with Kingpin

Tommy - You can't do this to me!

Kingpin - Of course I can, Tommy. I have very important connections.

Tommy - You are the most vile, evil, loserific mafia lord in existence!

Kingpin - Your face is the most vile, evil, loserific mafia lord in existence!

Hearing this Tommy knows he has lost this argument and leaves.

A cop busts Tommy with a moonshine delivery in his trunk

Tommy - What seems to be the officer, problem?

Police Officer - Do you know what you have in your trunk, sir?

Tommy - Uhhh, oh. I'm...just...delivering some donuts to the local police station.

Police Officer - Oh. OK, move along.

In a Alcoholics Anonymous building

Alky #1 - Would anyone want to share?

Tommy - Oh yeah, um. I'm Tommy...

Alkies - Hey Tommy...

Tommy - I'm an (takes a sip of vodka) alcoholic.....and I think you should know me before you...HEY ARE YOU PULLING FACES AT ME BOY!!!!?????

On some road

Tommy - Oh, she's my ex-girlfriend.

Carl - Damn, she fine......can I pork her?

Tommy - HELL NO!!

In some town..

Tommy - Look! It's pole man... HEY POLE MAN!!!

Pole Man - Hey Tommy!

Pole Man continues to drink absynth and beat a hobo on a bench.

Pole Man - That's MY bed you're sleeping on, asshole!!!!

Tommy - OK........We should leave now.

Luis/Davie/Jackie - We agree....

Inside the car with Fiona Redman

Fiona - Here, take some absynth, Tommy... it'll make you feel better...

Tommy - I know what you're trying to do...and it's not going to...

Absynth gets shoved down his throat.

Tommy - Oh god dammi......

Tommy drops unconscious.

In a motel; Tommy wakes up tied to the bed

Tommy - What did we just do?

Fiona - Have sex, why?

Tommy - It's not sex when I didn't consent, you rapist!

Fiona - Shut up. You want that to spread to your friends? That you got raped by a woman?

Tommy - Who said anything about you being a woman?

Fiona - BASTARD!!!

Fiona hits Tommy with a cricket bat.

Scene takes place inside the Charger, running from two mafia cars

Tommy - Damn! The Charger is acting up again...

Jackie - Ummm Tommy, those cars are closing in...

Tommy - No need to panic...

Jackie - Hey what's that?

GIR is in the background flying, while eating a nut

Jackie - Hey look! It's Gir.

Tommy - Oh... How wonderful.

Gir flies up next to the Charger

Gir - Hello, I'm eating mashhhhed potatoooooeeees.

Tommy - That's nice Gir.....go find some fish.

Gir - OK...

Gir flies off and hits a tree.

Scene takes place at the mafia moonshine factory (it's on fire)

Gir - This place is going to go BOOM!

Tommy - Quick! Get in the Charger!

Jackie - I'm here you idiot!!!

Jackie revs the car.

Tommy - Shit, where's Luis?

Luis - Ola Tommy!!!

Luis waves from a building across the road.

Tommy - Ok, step on it!

Charger makes a ramp and jumps just as the factory blows up and Gir is sent flying.

Gir - Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!


The jump from the exploding underground factory. The most action-packed scene in the film and, evidently, the most expensive.

Originally this was an orchestral score written by famous composer [name supressed], but due to budget issues this was chosen instead and is claimed by some hillbillies to be of much better quality. This movie won a Grammy for "Best Movie Score" and an Oscar for "Best Score". Warner Brothers Records, looking to make the most money as possible (as usual), made a CD of the score.

Track Listing

1. Dr Evil: "Hard Knock Life"

2. Ozzy Osbourne: "Suicide Solution"

3. Green Day: "Dominated Loveslave"

4. The Wiggles: "Toot Toot Chugga Chugga Big Red Car"

5. "Take Her To Sea Mr Murdoch!" - A quasi-inspirational classical piece from 'Titanic', composed by James Horn-er.

6. Team America: "America, Fuck Yeah!"

7. Breaks Co-Op: "The Otherside"

8. Justin Timberlake: "Cry Me A River" (remix featuring 50 Cent)

9. Simple Plan: "Untitled (How Could This Happen To Me)"

10. Led Zeppelin: "Stairway to Heaven"

11. Xzbit: "Alcoholic"

12. Queen: "We Are The Champions"

13. Kelis: "Milkshake"

14. Guns N' Roses: "Welcome To The Jungle"

15. The Streets: "Dry Your Eyes Mate"

16. Kanye West: "Jesus Walks"

17. John Fogerty: "Fortunate Son"

18. Travis: "Why Does It Always Rain On Me?"

19. The Lemmiwinks Song

20. Los Lonely Boys: How Far Is Heaven?"

21. The Beatles: "Hey Jude"

Movie Reviews[edit]

“That was probably the best film I have seen all year.”

~ Oprah Winfrey on Alcoholic: The Untold Story

“This dramatic comedy was what the movie box office needed to steer away from the violent, epic, battle filled movies such as The Lord of the Rings, Apocalypse: The Acclaimed Motion Picture or Iraq...Back.”

~ The Movie Critics Board on Alcoholic: The Untold Story

“Damn hippies.”

~ Eric Cartman on Alcoholic: The Untold Story

“The comedy was there....where the fuck was the drama?”

~ 48% of those who saw the film on Alcoholic: The Untold Story

“I saw a squirrel, it went like this.....tst tst tst tst

~ Gir on Alcoholic: The Untold Story

“Good, but where the hell's the told story?”

~ YOU on Alcoholic: The Untold Story

Success In The Box Office[edit]

The movie was a hit in cinemas everywhere and was given the award for the "Best Low Budget Film Of The Year" but were beaten at "Best Cinematic Debut" by Apocalypse: The Acclaimed Motion Picture. The director/actor Jose Heralco was also given the award for "The Best Car Chase Award" for his car chase scene between the Alfa Romeo Touring Cars and the Dodge Charger at the Golden Globes. The movie grossed at a whopping $2.3 Million dollars from ticket sales, and another $2 Million from merchandise.



Jose Heralco


Jose Heralco


Liam Winter


Timothy Belly

Christopher Parry

See also[edit]