UnPoetia:An Atheist's Eulogy

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“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

~ Mark Twain on death

Oh, vast and uncaring universe,

we are gathered here today, under the apathetic eye
of no god
to remember the man who lays within this urn before us
in body only.

His lack of soul has gone nowhere.

not to a heaven, nor a hell
not to the places that his many theist friends, family and coworkers
insist that they'll go to when they die,
in a foolish, vain, and ultimately fruitless
attempt to avoid the inevitable.

"No!" he said, "Instead when I pass, I shall surely be gone from this world

and will move to no world, but instead will fertilize the prize roses of my prize, my wife, Rose."

His will be done, as when this secular funeral comes to a close,

his ashes will be scattered among those very roses,
here behind me
where the fine dust of the ash will clog the plants' stomatal pores,
and will, until the first rain, block the light of the sun
and they shall win no prizes this year
in memory of the fallen.

Some would say that his lack of faith lead him to damnation

but I say, "Nay!"
as his choice of 'None' for religion
did not prevent him from being a good husband
nor did it stop him from raising two beautiful children.

His no-god did not prevent him from healthy sexual relations with this loving, lovely, and loved wife.

nor did it stop them from regularily enjoying the mingling and co-mingling of their two bodies
nor did it prevent the darkened fumbling, the occasional failure and the cursing before, during, and after
nor his too-quietly mumbled apologies and his yearning to stumble quickly down to the kitchen
to make a sandwich.

The God that does not look down on us from Heaven

did not look down at them and see the spooning that took place afterwards
nor the whispered conversation about the time they took a trip to Wine Country
and, with no reservations about religion,
and none at the hotel, as well,
didst sleep in the car
under the starry sky.

Rejoice, he is not roasting in Hell for all eternity

for touching himself in places that no-God, in His unfinite wisdom
did let evolution adapt and improve
and did boldly rise up from that first primordial doodle
for, truly, the only sin in one's doodle is the misuse, or abuse
of that most Earthly appendage
and if the punishment fits the crime
then his lack of earthly crimes must justly lead to no punishment.

So, fellow atheists, agnostics and deists.

let us not mourn his passing
let us, instead, remember that his lack of a soul
inhibits us, not in the least
from remembering him,
and his deeds
until we too rejoin the great nothing of eternity,
from whence we came.

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