UnNews:Zimbabwe's Mugabe declares the Netherlands "archenemy number one"

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24 June 2008


Zimbabwe's Mugabe shakes his fist at the "evil empire of the Netherlands."

HARARE, Zimbabwe -- Zimbabwe's "president for life" Robert Mugabe called the Netherlands a "dangerous, rogue colonial nation" after opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai sought refuge in that country's embassy. Mugabe and Tsvangirai were set to compete in a Friday run-off election until the MDC candidate withdrew for fear of violence. The run-off vote was constitutionally mandated after Mugabe failed to rig the vote sufficiently during the March harmonized elections. The ruling ZANU-PF party vowed to ensure a more rigorous cheating mechanism for the run-off.

However, rigging may no longer be necessary after Tsvangirai withdrew. However, by fleeing to the Netherlands embassy, he drew Mugabe's wrath onto the European country. "We have defeated the British, and now we will defeat the Dutch!" boldly declared the President in a speech to his loyal war veterans. He further banned the color orange from Zimbabwe, saying it represented the "evil, colonial oppression of the Netherlands." Calling Tsvangirai a "puppet of tulip-growing, windmill-loving Dutch," the 84 year-old leader promised to rid Zimbabwe of "the orange menace."

Already, government funds are being diverted towards a possible military confrontation with the Netherlands. RBZ Governor Gideon "hyperinflation" Gono has been instructed to set the money presses to "maximum speed" and increase denominations tenfold. Holding a new trillion-dollar bill, Gono mocked the West, proclaiming that "every Zimbabwean has more dollars than Bill Gates." Meanwhile, the Zimbabwe Dollar is now trading at 10 billion to one U.S. dollar. Last minute reports indicate the Zim dollar is now at 11 billion to one U.S. dollar. Wait... late-breaking news... the Zimbabwe dollar is now at 12 billion to one.

Meanwhile, Zimbabwe Electoral Commission officials are saying Friday's run-off vote will go on as planned, per the constitution. It's too late to remove Tsvangirai from the ballot, but police officials assured the public that "anyone who votes for him" should still plan on being "touched lightly." Officers will be on hand at every voting booth to "assist" citizens in the voting process.

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