UnNews:Woman robs bank and gets off

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2 October 2022

Uncylopedia was recently held for ransom, and now this bank in Lebanon was. Could the two be connected?

BEIRUT, Lebanon -- A local woman robbed her bank at gunpoint but has evaded prosecution on a series of technicalities.

Every person who has thought about becoming a bank robber knows the first rule of bank robbing: you don't talk about bank robbing you don't rob your own bank. But it seems that she didn't get the memo.

After amateur robber Sali Hafez entered the First Hezbollah Bank here, aimed her pistol at the teller, and ordered everyone to the floor, she asked the employees to fill with cash the bag that she had so kindly bought with her (so as to not also steal someone else's bag). This was when her plan crumbled, as the teller recognised her face, which was maskless despite Covid safety protocols. Instead of filling the bags with others' money, the teller pulled a fast one on the robber, and instead filled the bag with money from her own account.

The robber took the bag, released the hostages, fled the bank, and returned home. The bank notified police, who quickly made an arrest. Unfortunately, the robbery weapon turned out to just be a black-painted Nerf gun, which explains why the one hostage who tried to play hero was shot with a foam bullet and will leave the hospital within days.

"This robber will not be charged with any crimes today," the lead detective stated, "as since no firearm was used, and technically no robbery was committed since she only left the crime scene with her own money."

The Lebanon Association of Banks said it was acting to thwart both legal and illegal robberies with the simple expedient of closing all branches for three days starting today. By the time they reopen, they envisage a more permanent solution: making withdrawal forms significantly longer. However, the robbery and getaway may lead to copycat crimes, not by criminals, but by drama students and social media influencers who could make "dramatic withdrawals" for web cred and Likes.