UnNews:Walmart further enslaves employees with "dress code"

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13 September 2014

A disgruntled Walmart "associate" engages in a job "action" regarding the requirement of buying her own appropriate workplace apparel.

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas -- Gigantic retailer Walmart cracked the whip yet again on its indentured "sales associates," by dictatorial imposition of a "dress code" requiring them to appear appropriately for a commercial situation.

Sales-floor personnel will henceforth be required to wear "white or navy blue collared shirts, with khaki or black pants." The creativity-killing ukase replaces the typical garb of a Walmart "associate," which was a T-shirt with playful slogans such as "Occupy Wall Street" or "Look for the Union Label," or photos of Che Guevara sure to elicit smiles from customers. One "associate" told a reporter, "I remember when Uncyclopedia Walmart used to be such a fun place."

To add insult to injury, the employees will be required to buy their own clothes to meet Walmart's tyrannical specifications, while it is gushing cash out to stockholders or storing it in offshore banks, probably. Walmart will contribute the signature blue vest, plus a large lapel button with the iconic smiley face. These plutocrats will probably be aghast to find that the token contributions do not mollify the work force. Employees are likely to erupt in protests and work stoppages, as spontaneous as those of last month, beginning on September 30 at 6 P.M. local time at a location listed on the AFL-CIO website.

Walmart's employees, who on average fall below the federal poverty level, will be wiped out by the new expenditures, which will soak up all their available cash after buying the week's Lotto tickets and 30-packs of Budweiser, while the Sam Walton heirs could afford the whole bailiwick with the money they make in the average time between four of their burps.

Department of Labor regulations say the required clothing is technically not a uniform, as the garb can be worn outside the workplace. This is in contrast to military uniforms, which cannot be worn into most U.S. schools and universities because of fear of offending sensitive students. It means that the megabucks corporation need not fork over a penny to help its powerless workers.

Heidi Moore of The Guardian told Yahoo she thinks Walmart is asking too much of employees. "At this rate, it is only a matter of time before elderly female cashiers will be told to shave their faces on a fixed timetable," she said.

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