UnNews:UnNews editors vote: 'We wanted an iPad 3'

This editorial is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-moron misinformation. You can bloody well piss off if you don't like it! THE MANAGEMENT

12 April 2012

Wow, that's huuge!!!

CUPERTINO, Soviet California -- Last night, the UnNews editorial team voted on the validity of Apple's flaunts for the "new" iPad. They say it's "brilliant from the outside in," but can Americans really believe that? Maybe. They believe everything. We've decided on a few bullets on why the iPad 3 new iPad sucks so bad.

We really, really wanted an iPad 3.

When the Uncyclomedia Foundation developed its newest gadget for editing Web pages on the iOS, we intended to release it for the iPad 3. In fact, those annoying VFH banners you could have seen on the top were actually advertisements for the app. Unfortunately, since the new iPad isn't an iPad 3, we can't start giving away copies of the gadget. Which is why we've quit the Apple Developers Club and released it instead for Google's Android platform.

It's big and bulky!

See image (right) for an idea of just how big that thing is. The iPad 2 is 0.34 inches thick and weighs 1.33 pounds. By contrast, the iPad 2.5 new iPad is six inches thick and weighs a whopping 3000 pounds! Talk about portability! Vain fuckers. These things are currently banned on airplanes and in schools due to their sheer size, and over 9000 have been confiscated as of the time of writing.

These things waste energy.

Aside from the size of the iPad 2.2 new iPad, Apple's new CEO Supreme Ruler Tim Cook has decided to boost the number of pixels from 1024×768 pixels to a glorious 2048×1536 pixels, effectively doubling the image resolution to something still only... 8.1 percent of iPhone 4S quality. It also quadruples the number of pixels, which doesn't help much, since 124 percent of Americans have bad eyesight anyway, so most of them wouldn't notice the difference. "Retina" display? What the hell is that supposed to mean, some "new" technology? See below.

It's not 3-D.

Whereas Nintendo's already figured it out with their hot gaming device, the Nintendo 3DS, for some reason the so-called experts at Apple Inc. have decided to stick with a crappy 2-D screen that doesn't use any more advanced displaying techniques than the previous. Maybe a deep color screen would do, but there again most Americans wouldn't notice the difference. Trust me, the GUI would look sexy in 3-D, what with all the hot icons and cool fonts and stuff. Actually, the 3DS isn't that much better than the DSi, so who cares?

We wanted an 150-megapixel camera.

The iPad 2.1 new iPad, I'm warning you...! only does 5 megapixels. UnNews correspondents decided that they would prefer to use 150 megapixels for their reporting, but eight would do for most purposes. It's sad how the newest technology doesn't always get into the newest products.

Where's Siri?

Apple decided not to include Siri in its new iPad (yes, I finally got it right!), instead embedding a voice dictation feature into the virtual keyboard. I mean, hey, who doesn't want someone to tell you jokes when you ask, "Do I make you horny?" and to repond cleverly when you tell him/her that you love them?

Think twice before getting it, I'm warning you...!

So the next time you head over to your local Apple Store, think twice before buying the iPad 2.01 new iPad, that's what we're deciding to call it and if you don't comply you're FIRED!!. Good luck window shopping!

Sources

• Matt Peckham "6 Reasons Not to Buy Apple's 'New' iPad". Time Magazine Techland, March 8, 2012

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