UnNews:US to be undefended from terrorism next Sunday

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
(audio) UnNews Audio (file info)
Listen to this story!
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:52:59 (UTC)
US to be undefended from terrorism next Sunday UnNews Logo Potato.png

22 December 2010

The nation's final defense hope is to convince Muslims that their 88 virgins could look like this.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It will be Boxing Day in Britain and the rest of the British Commonwealth next Sunday, the 26th. But not in the United States. Because that nation will be totally defenseless against terrorism on that day.

U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano (pictured) told Diane Sawyer on Monday that her department is "working 24/7, 364 days a year." The interview aired on Tuesday on ABC News.

Department spokesman Bobby Whithorne said that the Secretary "obviously misspoke" and Politico.com called it an "apparent gaffe." But the President of ABC News, Julian Assange, insisted that "the public has the right to the truth, however it is gathered." And since the statement, friend and foe alike have been working furiously to determine which day it is that Homeland Security will not be working to protect the nation.

The nation's color-coded Threat Assessment Indicator.

We now know, thanks to another gigabyte dump from media conglomerate WikiLeaks, that Boxing Day--next Sunday--is the day that the United States will be left totally vulnerable to terrorism. On that day, identical to the drill on Christmas a year ago, if Nigerians on the No-Fly List fly to the United States with high explosives in their underpants, they will neither be irradiated nor groped in the jetway, and it will be the duty of fellow passengers to tackle and subdue the would-be terrorists and extinguish any flames.

Homeland Security personnel were receptive to this reporter's suggestion that they raise the Color-Coded Threat Assessment Indicator all the way up to red before they all take the day off. The indicator has been at Level Orange for 38 consecutive months. One spokesman, who would not disclose his name for obvious reasons, said, "Sure. Any color but green. That poses the greatest risk of all, if something should actually happen."

President Obama was quick to defend his Homeland Security appointee. "Of course we are on duty every day to watch over the United States. All 57 of them."

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:US_to_be_undefended_from_terrorism_next_Sunday&oldid=5391136"