UnNews:UK lawmakers critical of Kraft

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6 April 2010

Is this staple of British cuisine [sic] about to be made in New Jersey?

LONDON, England -- British lawmakers of both major parties condemned as a "cynical ploy" promises made by American corporation Kraft Foods during its courtship of the England-based confectioner Cadbury PLC. Kraft had promised to the local work force that it would keep open the Cadbury's plant in Somerdale near the city of Bristol but is now planning to close it and relocate production to Poland as the Poles would work for less pay, and more gratefully.

The takeover of Cadbury's came as a shock, because only recently everyone had said they liked the ad of the gorilla beating out a tune on drums like Phil Collins. In fact, Cadbury's had been planning to release chocolate drum kits for kids when the news of the takeover was announced earlier this year.

Conservative Party leader David Cameron said, "In view of the fact that Labour Party leader and Prime Minister Gordon Brown has just called a general election for a month's time, cynical ploys should, by rights, be left to candidates."

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That chocolate Easter egg was terrible

Kraft has sent U.S. ex-President Bill Clinton to England to try to defuse the crisis. The ace negotiator once lauded as "Slick Willie" was able to reprise old, virtuoso lines, biting his lip as he told workers on the shop floor, "I worked harder than I ever have in my life to keep the Somerdale factory open." Later, before Parliament, Mr. Clinton said, "I meant it when I said it." But he could not treat the crowd to an adaptation of his signature line, because not having sex with a candy factory doesn't make sense.

Phil Collins dresses like a gorilla to make a protest.

However, there may be a backlash. Facing an uncertain election in May, the Labour Party has brought forward a show-stopper: Amendments to the British Takeover Code that declare that "Nothing else in the United Kingdom is for sale, on any terms...er..have we anything left here to sell off...?"

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