UnNews:UK Parliament plays Musical Chairs

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11 July 2014

Eric Pickles gets worried as Boris Johnson shows him the size of the aisles that he'll have to run through in the House of Commons.

WESTMINSTER, UK -- With recent government cuts affecting even MPs' own entertainment, Prime Minister David Cameron announced the annual charity Musical Chairs event in Parliament. Mr. Cameron has said that he is happy to do this as long as Ed Miliband doesn't get a chair to start with. Mr. Miliband, who chairs the Committee on Table Manners, will further entertain the Commons by being obliged to eat two bacon sandwiches during the competition.

With 650 MPs, only a few hundred physical seats in the House of Commons, and two parties equally eager to stop the music, rumours say that the "parliamentary reshuffle" will lead to Nick Clegg's biggest blunder yet. The cabinet traditionally tweaks the Parliamentary rules each year. This year Education Secretary Michael Gove has already released a statement stating that the front bench of the chamber will be reserved for those MPs with 8 A*s and above at GCSE only.

There is, however, a serious side to this parliamentary frolic. Cabinet ministers who take a tumble, squeezing past Eric Pickles in the narrow aisles, could find themselves injured and unable to hold their cabinet position in the final year of the Coalition Government's term. This has led Theresa May, Home Secretary, to bring two riot police with her into the chamber to clear out any pro-trade-union MPs who may block her way.

The Labour Party have taken the strategy of sticking together and equally distributing seats among their MPs so that no one is left without a seat. This tactic may cause problems when some of the Socialist Labour MPs become too lazy to find a seat and lack incentive to move fast, considering that they will end up in an equal position to the hard-working, fast-paced Labour MPs anyway; in other words, standing with the rest of the Labour Party around the last 40 empty seats while Ed Miliband asks the Shadow Chancellor to do the maths.

The one Green MP, Caroline Lucas, has already declared she will not be sitting in a seat, unless the wooden frame was made from sustainable material and the plastic backrest is organic, as chemistry was that one subject she dropped quite early on at school.

The Speaker will be umpiring the competition, from his seat at the far end of the House. The event will be carried on BBC Parliament, so that members of the House of Lords can laugh at office-holders who lack tenure for life, scrambling over each other for a free seat. "Everything is to be fought for next week," commented George Osbourne, last year's winner, "and the music will helpfully drown out the chants of the striking public-sector workers so we can all pretend they don't exist."

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