UnNews:UKIP targets Ebola

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, November 22, 2024, 07:25:59 (UTC)
UKIP targets Ebola UnNews Logo Potato.png

11 October 2014

Nigel Farage takes his UKIP drug injection.

CLACTON, Essex, UK -- UKIP have out-polled the second-place Conservatives in this electoral constituency. Voters, by a 13,000-vote margin in customer satisfaction ratings, declared it the top anti-Ebola product. UKIP thus becomes the first product on the Royal Society's Medicine Council employing brainwashing rather than the usual mouthwash used against the pandemic. This is all part of the UKIP's corporate aim to save African victims — or, as their CEO, Mr. Farage, put it, "UKIP will target everbody using antibodies".

UKIP has only recently been marketed. Researchers needed time for the fear of mass disease to build up enough for the drug's placebo effect to work. Its unique formula is not only described using colourful charts and graphs but also helps to relieve the pain and stress of checking that the research data proposed in their adverts came from a reliable source by assuring you that it did come from a reliable source.

"The thing that's great about UKIP," said their marketing director, Tim Aker, "is that unlike current remedies for Ebola, our unique formula of bypassing regulations by outsourcing the business to China and paying the government enough to keep the medicine off doctor's prescription lists makes people buy our medicine and hence our sales go up. That can only mean one thing, it works." UKIP successfully out-competed the Conservatives, who offered an identical drug but with inferior marketing to UKIP and Labour — whose drug claims to work through one simple mechanism, pausing Ebola.

After UKIP's win, Farage delivers a message to the other drug companies via the drug dealing lingo he picked up in Croydon.

Criticisms of the drug have been raised by secondary school pupils who claim that according to their GCSE Biology text book, Ebola is a virus and so can only be cured by a vaccine and not antibiotics. However, so far no one has found enough money to take UKIP to court over this. Praise has come from the Animal Rights campaign, "The Right Fight for Animal Rights," who are generously funded by UKIP. They point out that UKIP's refusal to test their medicine on animals before it reaches the consumer has paved the way for a revolution in animal rights.

Nigel Farage says that the medicine has great prospects, "Already our scientists have used parts of the medicine to create a drug that successfully bans immigrants with HIV from entering the UK, hence eliminating another terrible disease that kills millions world-wide. If UKIP gets more seats on the Royal Society's Medicine Council then we may be able to use this new anti-HIV medicine." The new UKIP member Mr. Carswell has already put forward UKIP's most important policy onto the debating floor of the council, that all medicine packages should be painted traditional colours, from the time when medicines were produced by many small brands, to disguise the fact that the medicines are actually all owned by four giant monopolies. UKIP have claimed they are the only non-Labour/Liberal Democrat/Conservative company to obtain a seat on the council, however this claim was attempted to be dismissed as false by the Green's member on the council.

Sources[edit]


Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:UKIP_targets_Ebola&oldid=5878911"