UnNews:Trump/Biden campaign to be fought on sexual indiscretions

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Where man always bites dog

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 20:54:59 (UTC)

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12 May 2020

The campaign managers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a world first, UnNews has scored a Zoom interview with the Trump and Biden campaign managers, who are preparing to run the first coordinated bipartisan campaign in American history. As their comments are off the record, we have obscured their faces in a laughable gesture to ensure their anonymity. We are also referring to them as TCM and BCM to deter any attempts to work out who they are.

UnNews: "While we have often conferred with you separately, it's a great pleasure to have both of you with us, at least electronically. Can you explain how this approach was worked out?"

BCM: "We owe a lot to the current pandemic, as it has curtailed the usual echo chamber rallies that we organize to convince voters that the candidate that they like is hugely popular, yet desperately needs their vote. So we've got more spare time than usual. We were shooting the breeze on the phone the other day and I was complaining about how every time a candidate gets some traction, allegations of sexual misconduct are raised."

TCM: "I agreed, but responded that we have to expect this. I mean what are they in it for? You can't be in this game for more than five minutes without learning that sex and money are the bottom line. Exchangeable to some extent, but once you're used to it, you kind of expect it wherever you go. There's always going to be somebody there who hasn't cottoned on yet and gets offended when they're expected to join in."

BCM: "I wondered why we were still acting like it was 1950 and you couldn't flash a tit in the movies. We looked up the proportions of people who did it and admitted it, those who did it and denied it, and those who did it and refused to confirm or deny it. Added up this left a proportion very close to zero."

TCM: "Then we checked out the characteristics of the successful candidates over the last century. They tended to have the most hair, the most money and the most women. Let's say, hypothetically of course, that your candidate is accused of bonking a lady in the adult entertainment industry. What do the guys do? They google the bonkee and think what a hell of a guy he must be."

BCM: "What do the women do? They look up the same thing, think what a slut she must be and what a hell of a guy your candidate must be. It dawned upon us that if we could put this knowledge to good use, we could quit all this embarrassing lying about it. What about a little flooding therapy? Hit them with the truth for once and see what happens."

UnNews: "And how are you going on getting the candidates aligned with this strategy?"

TCM: "Well, our boy, I won't say who that is, of course, just wanted to grab it and get into it. He's annoyed at not being able to brag about it as certain heads of state do quite openly. He also thinks that he's got quite an advantage in this area."

BCM: "Quantity isn't everything, though. We're hoping to line up a few hot ones who will burnish that image of the debonair ladies' man."

UnNews: "How is this going to go with, I mean just supposing, a candidate has a female running mate?"

BCM: "You've hit the sticky spot there. We can't let people get the idea that they'll be at it in the Oval Office. We've had enough trouble with that. Besides, some candidates might not be as accepting of the concept as others."

TCM: "Yeah, I understand that some might start hyperventilating and mumbling 'She'll kill me!'."

BCM: "Unfair, unfair!"

TCM: "Okay, I retract that innuendo. More important that we work together on this."

BCM: "Accepted. We're planning to have public debates between those who state that they have been involved with the candidates to allow the voters to decide which ones have the juiciest revelations."

UnNews: "Well, we thank you for this insight into the coming campaign. We'll be watching for the media coverage, and of course any bits that we can hold up to ridicule here."

Sources

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.