UnNews:Terrorists raise profile of blasphemous drawings and obscure magazine

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8 January 2015

The terrorists also announced that they would kill all of these puppies in order to raise awareness for abandoned dog rescue homes.

PARIS, France -- Today a spokesman for the attackers of French magazine Charlie Hebdo triumphantly announced that “now front pages and the internet are crammed with images brutally spearing our prophet, ideology and religion with well-aimed satire. Plus, what was a tiny, poorly circulated, minority-interest satirical magazine has become world-famous. I can safely say that we have achieved all of our aims and objectives.”

He continued: “As we all know, attempting to kill ideas, especially humorous ones, with bullets, threats and oppression is easily the best way to immediately make everyone aware of those ideas. This is what we wanted all along.

“We made a careful decision not to spend the time and resources put into this operation on helping the displaced children of Syria and instead into killing these journalists and a fellow Muslim. I think that is money well spent and we will be releasing black charity wristbands to support our cause. They will carry the slogan ‘shoot first, increase solidarity amongst the targeted community immediately after.’ Chris Martin has already signed up to wear one, as he too does not understand irony.”

The spokesman went on to underscore that they will continue their campaign to raise the profile of various abstract, obscure interests that they deem ‘un-Islamic’ through attacks on lesbian feminists blogging about their sex lives, smug hipster micro-breweries, slightly saucy seaside postcards, and the Salvation Army.

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