UnNews:Terror bomb kills Easter Bunny
| Straight talk, from straight faces | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, April 27, 2024, 19:03:59 (UTC) |
| Terror bomb kills Easter Bunny | 
|
26 April 2017
CHICAGO, Illinois -- Scandal-hit United Airlines is facing a new public relations disaster.
The same airline that caused an arm-flailing doctor to hit his head on an armrest by evicting him, when he refused their offer of an inflight-movie coupon to deplane in favor of company employees, then refused to transport young newlyweds to their honeymoon, has now unleashed mayhem on a cuddly Continental Giant hare.
The victim, named Simon, died yesterday on a Boeing 767 arriving from London. He was persevering under a regime of cost reduction by his employer, with a new personnel manual requiring their employees to fly in the cargo hold. Coworker Annette Edwards, a rabbit-breeder from Stoulton, Worcestershire, said: “He was fit as a fiddle," adding that she often ships fiddles as cargo. This austerity drive occurred at a time when most companies are merely trying to limit the use of First Class, and Congress is not even doing that.
Simon, being three feet tall, had an ample appetite, and adapted on discovering that there is no food service in his service class. The Chicago coroner's office certified, after the jet landed at O'Hare Airport, that death was caused when Simon bit into a terrorist's bomb hidden in other checked luggage. Ironically, Simon's iron stomach may have saved the other passengers as he paid the ultimate price himself. Unlike the previous episodes, there was no viral video of this latest outrage, nor even much light in the cargo hold to film one.
The crew reacted well, given that the plane had only a tiny galley, and First Class passengers savored delicious roast rabbit with cranberries.
An airport source said news that Simon was in fact the Easter Bunny sparked a panic among UA staff. One employee said, "After the viral video no-one wanted responsibility for killing what was to be the world’s biggest rabbit."
As with the previous episodes, no one will be fired from United, though a corporate spokesman said, "We are reviewing this matter." He added that the payments this quarter to the Board of Directors will be restructured so as not to be bonuses.
Sources[edit]
- Stephen Moyes and Nick Pisa "Simon the giant rabbit, destined to be world's biggest, dies on United Airlines flight". The Sun, April 25, 2017
- Nick Pisa "Giant bunny’s breeder slams airline for cremating Simon without her consent". The Sun, May 1, 2017