UnNews:Scottish Labour to make a comeback

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5 May 2015

Scottish Labour with the Edstone.

EDINBURGH, United Kingdom -- The Scottish Labour party is set to revive after Ed Miliband's Socialism Sentinel was installed in Jim Murphy's bedroom. The formerly black granite monolith (now painted white) is said to have 'recuperative' powers and will soon have the party 'jumping around'.

With predictions that Scottish Labour will be 'wiped out to the last red jock' by the SNP in the May General Election, local party leader Jim 'Doomed' Murphy is said to predicting the party will defy predictions.

Red Astronaut Jim Murphy - ageing rapidly as he looks for votes in the electoral promises vacuum.

"We're going to make the greatest comeback since Lazarus," he said inside an echoing hall. "Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is writing us off before any votes are counted. Now I have the Edstone, I am now immune to nationalist and separatist barbs. The Edstone will confound my party's enemies."

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The Edstone has been compared to the rock from which King Arthur drew out excalibur. It has six pledges about what a Labour Party would do if elected, with a further four to be carved on a smaller stone to fit an iPad case. These include making sure the sun shines and that summer will return on a regular basis.

Jim Murphy said he was 'sure' there was steel inside the Edstone and will look for a sword handle. He will then draw it and slay the 'Krankie Kraken'.