UnNews:Satan joins Clinton campaign in Wyoming
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:40:59 (UTC) |
| Satan joins Clinton campaign in Wyoming | 
|
8 March 2008
Casper Wyoming UNN – Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton today unveiled her latest secret weapon in her bid to win the Democratic Presidential primary race in her effort to become her party's official candidate in the November 2008 election.
”I would to announce that after serving as my personal advisor, Satan will officially join my campaign effective today,” said Clinton at a breakfast meeting of the Casper Wyoming Ladies Embroidery and Semi-Automatic Rifle Association.
Joining her at the podium for the announcement, Beelzebub Satan – wearing a “I’m Caucusing for Hillary" button smiled as the two posed for pictures. Later in the program, Satan stated that his reason for joining Clinton’s campaign was an easy decision.
“I believe that Hillary Clinton has the experience and the drive that eclipse her desire for ultimate power and she understands the price that she’ll have to pay for this. I’ve had John McCain at one point in his life and trust me when I say that he’s a total pussy.”
Members of the audience voiced their concerns about the potential conflict of interest between the Clinton campaign’s use of Satan and the actual well-being of Wyoming resident Vice President Dick Cheney, to which Satan tried to calm to fears.
“I know Dick Cheney. I’ve trained Dick Cheney. I’m not ready for Dick Cheney. I predict a long and fruitful retirement for Dick Cheney. We’ve talked about his after office plans and he has said that he is ready to take on his passion of torturing kittens, shooting puppies in front of their owners - but only if they are children - and pushing little old ladies down flights of basement stairs.”
The move also marks the beginning of Clinton’s 100% eco-friendly campaign, according to Senator.
“With Satan at my side there will be no need for airplanes – we’ll just just fly on the winds of desperation instead.”