UnNews:Putin runs for New York comptroller

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, April 24, 2024, 20:35:59 (UTC)
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12 September 2013

Candidate Putin would be perfectly adapted to the harsh New York winters, and might buy a dacha in Rochester.

NEW YORK CITY -- Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took the occasion of an astonishing op-ed in a New York newspaper to announce his candidacy for comptroller of the state of New York.

The man George W. Bush disparaged as "Pooty Poot" has returned to pre-eminence in the American media to save the current occupant's chestnuts from the fire over the latter's notorious "red line" remark. President Obama in 2012 claimed that his signature inaction on Syria would change if Syria used Weapons of Mass Destruction, which everyone knew wouldn't happen. When that happened, Secretary of State John Kerry stated on television last weekend that a solution would be for Syria to submit to United Nations inspection, which everyone knew wouldn't happen.

Mr. Putin said that too could happen, in exchange for American strategic withdrawal and other behind-the-scenes concessions.

In a strategic "tit-for-tat," Hillary Clinton filed papers to succeed Mr. Putin as the Russian premier.

Mr. Obama scheduled a nationwide television address regarding his proposed missile strike against Syria, which Mr. Kerry has promised will be "unbelievably short" and Mr. Obama said will be insufficient to remove Syrian strongman Bashar Assad from power but will send a really clear message. America's strategic goal in the area is to get Mr. Assad to stop gassing rebels' children and go back to machine-gunning them, unless it turns out it was the rebels gassing their own children. Mr. Obama scheduled the speech to win a vote from Congress, which he insists he doesn't need, but wound up asking Congress to delay its vote.

Nature abhorring a vacuum, Mr. Putin stepped in with an argument against decisive American action in the area, an opinion that did not involve going way out on a limb.

But the most surprising aspect of his op-ed, which ran on Wednesday in the New York Times, was his announcement of his candidacy for comptroller of New York State. Mr. Putin instantly becomes a favorite in the race, as he has neither texted photographs of his bulging underpants to college students, nor taken prostitutes across state lines with government funding to engage in kinky sex while wearing black socks.

Mr. Putin has not yet purchased a residence in the state, though real estate in Chappaqua is available and attractively priced. As holding office in New York is often a springboard for higher office, he instantly becomes a front-runner for the 2016 Republican Party nomination for President, the issue of not being a "natural born citizen" seemingly being settled.

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