UnNews:Plan to move Israel to Canada, "just not working out"
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 07:07:59 (UTC) |
| Plan to move Israel to Canada, "just not working out" | 
|
20 December 2006
 |
UnNews Audio (file info) |
| Listen to this story! | |
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope. |
|
UNITED NATIONS -- The United Nations voted Wednesday to move the nation of Israel to someplace where it wouldn't cause so many problems. In an official statement, the world negotiative body said it was "sorry about the confusion," and that things were "just not working out" with Israel in its current location.
The Jewish state was formed on the eastern coast of the Mediterranean Sea immediately after World War II to assuage some of the guilty feelings created by the way most of the world ignored the "Holocaust," and possibly to usher in the Apocalypse. Israel had existed in that location in the distant past, and it was hoped that they could just pick up where they left off. Unfortunately, none of those things happened.
Creating an artificial Jewish state required the displacement of the resident Palestinians, which got the Jews off to a bad start with their predominately Muslim neighbors. The area has since been rife with all kinds of armed confrontations, confusion about borders and ownership, and continuous political turmoil.
"After careful review, we've determined that taking some of the best land in the area and sticking Israel on it was pretty fucked-up idea to begin with," said new U.N. secretary general Kim Ahs-Moon. "But, hey, that's why pencils have erasers, right?"
Israel's new location will be a large section of central Canada with a long coastline on Hudson Bay. The land was graciously donated by Canada, which is quoted as saying, "We never really got around to doing anything with all that land. Anyway, it's a primo piece of real estate with a lot of elbow room, and nobody around to fight. Glad we could help out, eh."
Israel is expected to begin moving in late January, 2007, and should be completely settled by July.