UnNews:Oscar: Not Half The Man He Used To Be

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13 May 2011

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- - The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) has announced that Oscar, the iconic golden boy of the film industry’s annual self-promotion, otherwise known as the Academy Awards, is being retired in favor of the adoption of a new statuette that AMPAS’s president Tom Shrek, says “better embodies the true spirit of Hollywood films.”

Oscar, an octogenarian, debuted in 1928, as a gold-plated humanoid shape, sans genitals, composed of copper and tin. The figurine, which is supposed to depict a knight in the Art Deco style, complete with crusader’s sword, had a makeover in 1983, and he is currently made of gold-plated britannium (copper, tin, and antimony). He stands 13.5 inches tall and weighs in at 8.5 pounds. About fifty Oscars are manufactured yearly by C. W. Chumlee, who also stars on the History Channel’s Porn Stars, a reality show about adult entertainers who pawn their most valuable assets--G-strings, pasties, high-heeled shoes, feather boas, and similar paraphernalia--when they are too old to any longer attract ogling men by their striptease antics or their appearances in pornographic films.

In fact, it was Chumlee who suggested to Shrek that AMPAS replace the Academy Awards statuette with an icon more characteristic of the film industry’s current crop of motion pictures. “I mean, Hollywood ain’t making boring-ass shit like Gone With the Wind or Citizen Kane anymore,” he told Unnews’ Lotta Lies. “They’re making decent shit nowadays; every movie outdoes the previous one’s display of T & A.” (“T & A,” Shrek informs Unnews, is an acronym for “tits” and “ass,” or “an abbreviation of actresses’ contributions to the craft, if you get my drift.”)

Judging by the number of Hollywood actresses who have appeared topless or completely nude during the past fifty years, Chumlee’s assessment of contemporary movies’ “best assets” is right on the mark, Shrek agrees, “which is why we’re jettisoning Oscar, who’s associated with the effeminate and unmanly Hollywood of the past, and instituting the Golden Phallus at the 84th celebration, next year.”

Asked what the new statuette will look like, Shrek would say, with a wink, only that “It’s about three inches long, the size of your pinkie, and modeled on Chumlee’s own pitiful little penis, with wings added, to symbolize our industry‘s flights of fancy. It embodies everything that Hollywood has become, everything that it represents, and we’re proud to have it, in turn, represent our industry and its talent.”

As an Unnews exclusive, a photograph of the new award was leaked to this reporter by a source, Chumlee himself, who wishes to remain anonymous, but Unnews has declined to exhibit the Academy’s new “Oscar”--or that part that remains of him, at any rate.

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