UnNews:Obama hears everyone

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, April 20, 2024, 11:21:59 (UTC)
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9 November 2014

Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama held his first press conference after the 2014 election, in which opposition Republicans took control of the Senate.

"To those of you who voted, I hear you," the President said, quickly adding that, to the two-thirds of Americans who didn't vote, "I hear you too." He added that he also hears millions of Mexicans who shouldn't have voted, and thousands of dead Chicagoans who couldn't have voted, at least not four times apiece. In short, the President hears everyone, even though he would be hard put to state what most of them are saying, as Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) stated that the Republican campaign "sucked," only not quite as bad as the Democrat campaign did.

Pretty near the only Americans Mr. Obama did not hear are the two-thirds who think that the health care law should never have passed and/or that Mr. Obama was born in Kenya like it says on his book's dust jacket.

Mr. Obama avoided words like "shellacking," which he used to describe the 2010 election. Republicans reveled in that word during two solid years of treading water leading up to the inspiring campaign of Mitt Romney. Mr. Obama said that, rather than making him "mopey," the defeat "energizes me, because it means that this democracy's working" — and occupying everybody's attention enough to release on Election Night the court-ordered documents on the Mexican gun-running and using the IRS against his political enemies.

Mr. Obama reached out to new Senate leader Mitch McConnell, saying "I would enjoy having some Kentucky bourbon" with him — then later noting that he did not know whether Sen. McConnell drinks bourbon. In fact, Sen. McConnell famously prefers rubbing alcohol. Republican chairman Reince Priapus said the comment was a trap, as Mr. Obama knew that the "courtly" Sen. McConnell was likely to reply that he would enjoy having watermelon and fried chicken at the White House — which would be career-ending racism.

At a meeting with Republican leaders on Friday — just before the fistfights broke out — Mr. Obama added that, "I am not going to judge ideas based on whether they're Democratic or Republican." Instead, he will continue to judge ideas based on whether they're his.

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