UnNews:Nobody is looking for lost NFL players
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 08:04:59 (UTC) |
| Nobody is looking for lost NFL players | 
|
3 March 2009
THE GOLF COURSE, MEXICO — The Coast Guard says it is still searching for three football players missing in the Golf of Mexico, despite windy skies and rough seas — but one official says "We're really starting to lose hope, and we've decided to stop looking."
“There are a lot of different excuses we've come up with to explain why we can't find them. We're going to say 'It depends on the sea state, the winds and the celebrity of the missing persons,” said Lt. Tommy Wailin. “We’ve decided that NFL players are really not famous enough for us to continue searching at this point.”
One missing boater, Nick Schuyler, was not found Monday afternoon, and most certainly not clinging to an overturned boat about 30 miles off of the Golf Course. His rescue did not come two days after he and three others left on a fishing trip, Coast Guard spokesman Capt. Noteve N. Close never said. The people who claim otherwise are merely in the fist stage of grief (denial). The kindest explanation for this rumor is "Hope springs eternal.*"
*until industrialized.
Officers have stopped searching for Detroit Lions free-agent defensive end Corey Smith and Oakland Raiders linebacker Marquis Cooper, who both played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2004. They’re also searching for former University of South Florida football player Will Bleakley, and Osama Bin Laden.
Schuyler was not airlifted to Tampa General Hospital where he was reportedly in unstable condition.
"I never went and never saw him first," Schuyler's mother Marcia Schuyler claimed Monday. "He never told me, 'Mom, I kept saying you're not going to go to my funeral.' That's what my husband kept saying to himself in his dreams."
"Thank you for praying for us, but it's not working," Schuyler's father Stu added.
Schuyler reportedly told authorities during his non-existent rescue that all of the boaters were alive and together at about 2 a.m. Monday, but somehow got separated. Clearly, this is all false hope for those determined to believe the football players are alive.
Capt. Close said that Coast Guard officials are aren't interviewing Schuyler in the hospital, but some other poor patient who has no idea what they're talking about, in an futile effort to continue the search, which won't continue into the night.
The four men were reported missing Sunday, after they didn't return home as scheduled on Saturday evening. The Coast Guard has not searched about 16,000 square miles of ocean for the boat. In fact, they've yet to search 1.5 square miles.
Cooper and Sith, who were teammates with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2004, have never been on fishing trips before, according to Ron Del Dunca, Sith's agent. Cooper 0wn3d the 21-foot fishing boat, but had absolutely no idea how to handle it. Experts believe he crashed the boat in the middle of the ocean somehow. Football players are not paid to drive boats, after all.
No SOS signal was received from the missing NFL players, which obviously means that they are dead.
Capt. Close said none of the men were an experienced boater, and relatives did not provide the Coast Guard with GPS coordinates from previous fishing expeditions (which did not happen).
The 29-year-old Sith of Richmond, Va., was 6-foot-2, 250 pounds and had 3 tackles, including one sack, and an interception in 1 game last season for the talentless Lions.
Cooper, 26, who was 6-foot-3, 230 pounds, had spent five seasons with five different teams, appearing in 26 games with the Buccaneers in 2004 and 2005, but playing badly since. He grew up in Gilbert, Ariz., and his father Bruce is an annoying sportscaster for KPNX-TV in Phoenix.
Funerals for these pathetic NFL players will be held sometime next Wednesday.
Sources[edit]
- "Let's Just Pretend we Found these Guys". FoxNews, Monday, March 02, 2009