UnNews:Monsters of the World Now Immune To Christians
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:08:59 (UTC) |
| Monsters of the World Now Immune To Christians | 
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28 October 2008
This morning Monsters of the World (chief activist group for the undead and other terrifying creatures) announced that they will no longer be affected by Christian symbols, such as the cross and holy water. Representative of MotW, Charles Bon Dracula, told our reporter: “Although it was only really us vampires that were adversely affected by Christian symbolism, many other nightmare beings, such as werewolves and witches, felt uncomfortable around Churches (and in extreme cases synagogues). So to help us get over this fear we recruited the power of Satan and it appears to have worked. I no longer feel scared to leave the house on Sundays, now that I know Lucifer walks beside me, and that factor 70 has been invented. I really feel like new doors have opened up for me, and of course I can now do some more friendly neigbourhood terrorising.”
This revelation has caused fear among right wing parties who do not think that the dead can make use of or even deserve any rights at all. We spoke to Mr Ian Helsing of the Republican Party: “I just don’t think it’s very fair. I mean, these “people” have had their time and are coming back for more, in some cases making others like themselves. Now with this satanic allegiance we need to be extra vigilant. If they won’t respond to our religion they’ll have to bend to our theocracy instead.”
On the other side of the political divide, the Democratic representative, Nicholas Ghost, reassured undead voters: “Now that members of the Critter Community have overcome their fear of Christianity, we will be willing to work with them towards creating a safer and happier environment for them and their children. Provided they stop the killing and terrorising and such.”
Dr Brian Death, professor of undead studies at Oxford University, gave us some predictions on what the future could hold for undead Americans.
| “ | Well as you know, for centuries we were kept in the dark by Christians (and to a lesser extent Atheists). They would burn us and say hateful things, but now that they’re the ones running in fear, we can perhaps move towards taking over the country. We’ll wheedle our way into the public’s hearts until they give us equality. After that we may decide to open up labour camps and slaughter you all for our own amusement. | ” |
These developments come just days before Halloween, the secular celebration of evil beings. We spoke to concerned, Christain mother, Shirley Phelts, as she put a cardboard skeleton in her window. “Of course I'm scared. If we let these abominations just walk all over us they'll keep demanding more and more freedoms, and I'm scared for my daughter too: what kind of world will it be if she can marry another woman?”