UnNews:Mike Pence called out for repeatedly quoting 'fake' Bible books

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6 February 2019

Despite all his talk of forcing Levitical laws upon everyone, Pence shaves his entire face.

WASHINGTON, DC USA -- Vice President of the United States Mike Pence, who claims to be a member of some sort of "Judeo-Christian" religion, loves to quote his favorite books from the Bible. He's been doing it for more than a decade, and he did so most recently today when a staffer asked him whether he could go on lunch. But there's just one problem: the books of the Bible that he quotes don't exist.

The Vice President has been known to make a gaffe here or there, but this is not the case. Years ago, to support a push against global warming legislation, he said in an Earth Day press release: "The Bible tells us in the New Testament, 'For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places. There will be famines. These things are the beginning of birth pains.'"

Queries to numerous rabbis have turned up no knowledge of such a quote, nor even of a "New Testament" at all. UnNews' searches of the Tanakh have been similarly fruitless. Pence has quoted the false books at least 11,000 times since 2002, according to the Congressional Record.

Slate reported that he has used it to justify genocide in Darfur, oppose the Endangered Species Act, and twice to withhold aid to places with brown people. He was publicly criticized in 2008 but seems to acknowledge that, of the twenty-four books of the Bible to choose from, he can't pinpoint exactly where it is.

"The Pence passage is not in the Bible,” Will Kynes, an associate professor of the Hebrew Bible/Old Testament at Whitworth University, told me by email. The closest analog he could find was Isaiah 2:4, which reverses the entire main idea of Pence's alleged quote: "And He will judge between the nations, And will render decisions for many peoples; And they will hammer their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not lift up sword against nation, And never again will they learn war." Levy Markovic, an associate professor of biblical studies at Taylor University, independently suggested the same verse as the passage most similar to Pence's version.

Pence's admission comes as President Trump recently celebrated numerous states introducing "Bible literacy" classes in public schools. It is unclear whether such classes are teaching the actual Bible or the fictitious version quoted by the Vice President. Trump himself, when asked to quote a Bible verse, has only managed to come up with lines from GEICO commercials and bad 80s movies.

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