UnNews:McDonald's will "Keep It Simple, Stupid!"

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26 March 2016

Ronald McDonald has always been in favor of "keeping it stupid." But he is not worth $15 an hour either.

HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- McDonald's has filed a trademark on the phrase, "Keep It Simple, Stupid!"

The company filed the phrase at the Trademarks and Patent Office on March 10. The phrase, known by its acronym KISS, meshes well with the previous campaign, "I'm lovin' it!" and is a tenet of the U.S. Air Force, which is recruiting its most kissable combat troops ever, and recently renewed its drive to "Keep It Simple, Stupid!" by redeploying assets to fight no more than one war at a time.

For McDonald's, simplicity would mean rethinking the menu, now at 121 items. The 75% more items than a decade ago has slowed service and "confused its market," the market of high-school students stupid enough to work at the minimum wage. As music warehouses with thousands of titles have given way to MP3 websites of millions of titles, McDonald's may move toward fewer and fewer customer options, paraphrasing Henry Ford to tell the customer, "You can order anything you like, as long as it is a Big Mac." The only recent change that excited anyone — the all-day breakfast — will stay, but the Big Mac will also be the only breakfast item.

It was Michael Dukakis who lamented the difference between "good jobs at good wages" and mere "burger-flipping jobs" during his 1988 campaign for runner-up for U.S. President. His successors in Washington have countered the trend toward a menu with 1 option with "good jobs at good wages" writing uncountable rules one must obey before hiring anyone (if one insists on hiring a legal citizen). McDonald's is testing "Keep It Simple, Stupid!" with a store format where customers order at kiosks, items are assembled by robots from pre-fab ingredients assembled in northern Mexico, and the meal is delivered by drones to booths that the customer will have to clean after eating with a broom and washcloth the chain provides, before he buses the paper flatware back to the kitchen — proving Hillary Clinton's recent claim that there is "no evidence" that a $15 minimum wage does any harm.

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The company is not confirming anything. "We routinely file trademarks and we can’t share details at this time as to how this trademark may or may not be used. In addition, that person at the Trademark Office may or may not have been us," said a company spokesman, or spokeswoman. But it was them. And he was a she. Indeed, some trademarks that McDonald's registers are never used. The McDogshit Sandwich never appeared on the menu, nor did Beet Fries. With the new push toward simplicity, these trademark applications may expire, which means customers would have to go elsewhere for their Beet Fries.