UnNews:Maxwell House beats Kentucky murder rap

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26 September 2010

Coffee, the deadly, addictive scourge of America, again beats a murder rap.

NEWPORT, Kentucky -- Maxwell House has been found not guilty in the 2009 death of Amanda Hornsby-Smith.

Ms. Hornsby-Smith was found strangled with an extension cord, and a lawyer for her husband, Woody Will "Snuffy" Smith, had told a Cincinnati jury that Mr. Smith's confession to police was untrue and was made under stress caused by large amounts of caffeine, which was the fault of Maxwell House coffee; and by sleep deprivation. The jury, however, ignored the lawyer's argument and went with the large amount of uncontroverted physical evidence at the crime scene.

Maxwell House, a division of Kraft Foods, Inc., held a press conference outside the courthouse. Co-Founder Jebediah Maxwell said, "We are pleased at the not guilty verdict. We feel that justice has prevailed under the American system of government."

However, Eucaipha House commented, "The bitch knew too much. We had to 'off' her."

Mr. Smith, named in the indictment as a "co-conspirator," told reporters he would be getting back to daily life, in which he said the first order of business will be to try to discreetly dispose of the corpse.