UnNews:Man suffers caffeine underdose

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Tuesday, July 16, 2024, 09:11:59 (UTC)

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9 July 2009

Is it too much to fucking ask!!!

THE OFFICE -- This morning I woke up and went to work. Ok it didn't exactly happen like that if you must know. I woke up, took a shower, ate cereal, thought about having coffee, but did not have coffee, started my car, dropped the gardener off at the traffic lights before turning onto the freeway, sat in traffic for an hour, arrived at work, parked the car, took the elevator up to the second floor, deactivated the alarm, walked to the kitchen and opened the door of the fridge where the first blow of horror struck me.

There, in the fridge, was a milk carton. Just as I thought I was going to start my day with a fresh burst of caffeinated energy, I got an invisible slap in the face instead. It was empty! The audacity to leave an empty milk carton in the fridge! It took me some time to adjust to the sudden realization that I was going to have to drink lactose-free coffee. I know! Absurd isn't it? Can you imagine drinking black coffee? They say once you go black you never go back, but when it comes to my morning cuppa, I just gots to have me a dash of cow.

Ok, so I finally got to the point where I accepted the fact that I was going to drink mildew flavored water, I then opened the coffee tin, and can you fucken believe it! No fucking coffee! How the fuck are we supposed to cope in a shithole such as this without coffee! Never mind the fact that there is already no milk. No coffee? I re-checked the tin to make absolutely sure. No coffee. I checked the sugar tin in hopes of finding some coffee in there and it was filled to the brim with sugar, but that doesn't fucking help much when there is no fucking coffee to put the sugar into, does it now!

Black coffee? I’ll show you black coffee, you son of a bitches!

Ok I know I am just a junior, and don't have much say in this place, but we are talking about a basic necessity here! Don't you dare use the recession as an excuse for this. I wish we could have recessions more often so that I also never have to buy anything ever again.

So anyway, there aint no fucking way in hell I am drinking black tea, so I decided to sit my ass down at my desk, while feeling extremely thirsty. I tried to concentrate on my work, but I just couldn't, because there was something missing. I wasn't going to say coffee you know, but now that you mention it, I’d love some. Wait! Were you offering? Oh. My bad. For a moment there I thought... never mind.

I really have tried my best for the past five minutes to understand my work, but caffeine withdraw symptoms are keeping me back. What am I going to do to cope? They say that writing your feelings down helps you understand them better and therefore makes them easier to deal with. Ok then, so here I am, writing an UnNews article in hopes of understanding my feelings better.

Ah! I completely understand now why I feel like this! It's because there is no fucking milk or coffee in the fucking kitchen, and no one has fucking bothered to fucking restock it! FUCKERS! Die, motherfuckers! DIE!

Oh! Surprise, surprise! Guess who just walked in? Yeah! The office supplier. She is carrying a carton and a tin in her hands. Oh looky, it's not even 8 AM yet, silly me. I feel much better now. I guess writing about this stuff does help eh? -Sip- -Sip- Sip- Ahhhhh... Now that’s some good, white coffee.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.