UnNews:Lynn Woolsey Ends Iraq War

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Tuesday, June 18, 2024, 17:33:59 (UTC)

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19 January 2007

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She had the vision.

SEATTLE, Washington -- After coming to power earlier this month, the house Democrats have successfully brought peace to the Middle East by redeploying American troops to the United States. The measure was introduced by the visionary representative Lynn Woolsey, whose ringing cries for a funded withdrawal rallied the nation behind her cause. Despite concerns from Republican naysayers, the move has led a political solution to arise in Iraq almost immediately. "We truly thought that we had no stake in this until the withdrawal," commented Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. "But by Allah's grace, this added pressure has brought all parties to the negotiating table and led to a peaceful solution."

Along with bringing an end to the sectarian violence, the insurgency also met a sudden end. Though the Iraqi army has not met manpower levels able to maintain posts to prevent the insurgency from gaining back ground, Al Qaeda in Iraq issued a statement saying that they were "no longer interested" in pursuing their goals of an Islamic caliphate in Iraq. "We are forever thankful that our great American friends have left with grace, and will now allow the democratic process to proceed peacefully." Iran and Syria echoed the statements, vowing to help their neighbor. "The Iraqi army is weak," said Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, "so we will wipe this weakness off the map with monetary aid and training to secure their future."

In a dramatic moment to be remembered for years to come, the final American soldier set foot in Washington today, and personally thanked Lynn Woolsey for her bold move. "Her unique vision of the situation was the silver bullet needed to win this war," said the soldier in the first post-war conference. "By leaving, the situation solved itself." Indeed, the totality of this success has led to mumblings of a possible run for President, if not Queen of the United States. Spontaneous rallies erupted throughout the nation, with one reveller noting "Woolsey is the kind of straight talker we need. If she was right about this, I cannot wait to see my stocks soar when taxes are raised!"