UnNews:London goes East with Khan
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Friday, April 19, 2024, 03:23:59 (UTC) |
| London goes East with Khan | 
|
7 May 2016
BAGHDAD-ON-THAMES, Britistan -- For the first time since Jesus did walk upon England's pleasant green pastures, London now has an all-conquering Muslim as Mayor. Sadiq Khan overthrew the true Christian regime of Saint Boris Johnson and denied his lawful heir Zachary 'Zak' Goldsmith from parking his expanse in the mayoral chair. Helped by votes of non-Cockneys, Khan swept in victoriously with his extremist friends. Asked to comment, Goldsmith replied: 'Khaaaaaaaan!'
Whilst true Londoners retreated behind closed doors to maintain their ancient rituals of Knees up Mother Brown and Inger-lund, hordes of Khan supporters took to the streets to celebrate this latest conquest for Islam and multiculturalism. Under the thin veneer of 'democracy' and 'mandate', Sadiq Khan pledged that London would soon be 'just like Mecca' and that all school children would undergo suicide training when they reached primary school. In addition, Khan will convert St. Paul's Cathedral into the Muhammad Ali Boxing Day Mosque.
British Prime Minister David Cameron said there was 'nothing he could do' as he was currently fighting a referendum campaign to hand the rest of the country over as an appendage of the European Union. Cameron said that the only hope for Britain was that Donald Trump be elected U.S. President and lead a crusade to liberate Europe from the current Islamic Caliphate of Brussels. However, as set out in his book, The Art of the Deal, Trump has espoused a policy of making other nations pay for American statecraft. Thus, after getting Mexico to pay for a wall to hem in its own gardeners and car mechanics, and conducting the next Arabian incursion as a true 'war for oil,' a President Trump would send the bill for throwing off the Muslim yoke straight to Westminster.
(This world exclusive story is the first fruits of a news website link-up between Uncyclopedia and Breitbart, brawling to undermine the anti-Donald Trump poison engulfing the Free World as we know it.)
Sources[edit]
- Staff "Sadiq Khan is London's new Mayor". BBC, May 07, 2016