UnNews:Kim Jong Un reveals super-baby pregnancy

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, April 25, 2024, 12:12:59 (UTC)
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31 May 2016

Kim looking absolutely radiant in a loose-fitting pregnancy smock, while attending the live test of a weapon of mass destruction.

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- Squeaky AK47 rattles and ceiling mobiles depicting hanged generals are adorning the steps of the Ryongsong Residence today, as the home of the Jong Uns is expecting a new little resident with special powers soon. The despot appears to be enjoying the first few months of pregnancy, stepping out in full public view to oversee the testing of a new missile capable of sending a nuclear weapon as far as Japan.

Kim happily showed off the growing baby-bump, wearing an effortlessly elegant loose-fitting white smock and a short skirt, while out and about with the usual entourage of note-taking generals heading to the nuke test. The greatest single threat to the Far East stopped to grab a quick drink and speak to the tabloid press at “The Coffee Bean” hipster café in Pyongyang, before getting an aide to shoot the staff for promoting European concepts.

Shouting over the pistol fire, Jong Un said of the first four months of pregnancy: “I feel so productive creating a precious human life that I am excited to meet, because I know I have a spiritual connection with them. As this will be a virgin birth, my child will either be very strong with the Force, or Jesus.”

It’s hard to keep anything a secret in North Korea, which is why it is an impressive feat when a celebrity, and such an important and influential one at that, manages to keep the pregnancy under wraps for so long.

Singer Adele managed to keep hers secret until 7 months, when it could no longer be hidden beneath her “huge lungs”. Gilmore Girls star Alexis Bladel kept her entire pregnancy under wraps until six months after the birth, although that was helped by the fact that no one really knows who she is. Nobody suspected that Tom Hardy was seven months pregnant either, when he attended the premier of Legend in September last year, because he self-identifies as a man.

Kim’s gender has always been a little unclear, especially with her bi-sexual first name and cropped hairstyle. Nobody was going to volunteer to ask what gender of partner the Dear Leader requires to make an heir, of course, so it has come as a great relief to the Korean Chiefs of Staff, now that the near-impossible search for a willing male partner is no longer required.

As for the missile launch, Kim Jong Un has fired a blank, according to South Korea’s defense ministry. The United States and Japan, having just hugged and made up over Hiroshima, are hoping the Dear Leader becomes smitten and focused on the new baby, rather than focused on smiting the neighbors. Obama and Shinzō Abe have already agreed to go halvsies on a funky bright mushroom-cloud wallpaper for the nursery as a gesture of good will.

Sources[edit]

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