UnNews:Jade Goody Spontaneously combusts!

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UnFair and UnBalanced ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:40:59 (UTC)
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30 January 2007

Jackson could be next!

Fifteen people were killed and several seriously injured this morning when the evil Jade Goody became the latest victim of Spontaneous human combustion . The incident occurred as her stress levels soared to such levels her glowing ears could be seen from space!

Firefighters were still battling to control the blaze this morning as it threatened to spread to neighbouring Jermaine Jackson, "If volatile oils and plastics on his face and hair ignite then we could be looking at the biggest peacetime disaster this country has ever seen", said one exhausted fireman. Reports that his eyebrows were beginning to singe were, however, quickly quashed.

Jade will probably burn herself out within 5-6 weeks

Witnesses reported that a few minutes before the incident, steam started shooting out from her ears and loud "OROOGAH!" sirens could be heard coming from inside her head, "it was like watching a Road Runner cartoon," one onlooker said from his hospital bed this afternoon, "if I wasn't at death's door right now I would be laughing my arse off."

Goody, 53, won no friends during her most recent stint in the Celebrity Big Brother house in the UK. Her alleged antics included worshipping at the altar of Satan and sacrificing fellow contestant Sheepa Shitback (or summink). The peg that broke the camel's hoof however was her over-usage of stock cubes, an incident which almost led to the destruction of the space/time continuum!

Jade's Mum, cut-throat one-armed Pirate lesbian of the high seas Fred, was less than sympathetic, "wot yer sayin? me luvverly Jade gone an blahn 'erself up? Silly fucking mare (me hearties) hahaha!".

Jade's explosion, thought to have sent sound-waves around the planet more than fifteen times, brought to mind the tragic day in 1987 when (alleged) singer/songwriter John Lennon also blew up in mysterious circumstances, killing more than thirty people.

Fire fighters remain hopeful that Jade will burn herself out next month and advise anyone downwind of the blaze to stay indoors and perhaps cook some bacon to disguise the smell a bit.

Sources[edit]

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