UnNews:In the wake of Pearson Airport Massacre, Harper abolishes unions

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:34:59 (UTC)
In the wake of Pearson Airport Massacre, Harper abolishes unions UnNews Logo Potato.png

28 March 2012

Prime Minister Harper, seen here on his throne, has abolished unions and the right to collectively bargain.

Toronto, Ontario -- After an illegal wildcat strike which was followed by a bloody massacre on Friday at Toronto's Pearson International Airport, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has officially abolished unions. This unpopular decision comes on the heels of Harper abolishing both Canada's cherished public healthcare system and Canadian democracy. This deeply unpopular decision has moved Harper even farther right and has alienated many of his former supporters. Harper was quoted as saying "It doesn't matter that my decisions are unpopular, I'm doing right by this country, the voters of Canada have given me a mandate. I intend to carry out that mandate until the day I die or at the very least become incapacitated.".

This move follows an illegal strike that took place on Friday after several Air Canada employees were fired on the spot for heckling Labour Minister Lisa Rat. Rat was attempting to board a private jet that would fly her from Toronto to her private vacation home in Hawaii with a stopover in Vancouver for refueling. All of this taking place on the taxpayers dollar. The employees, who were booing her and sarcastically telling her what a good job she was doing, were instantly fired by upper management for insubordination. As a result of the firings, dozens of Air Canada employees including pilots, flight attendants, and mechanics, walked off the job in support of the fired employees.

Government forces open fire on disobedient Air Canada workers at Pearson International Airport

Upper management immediately ordered the striking workers to return to their posts or "face the consequences". When the workers refused, upper management sent in right-wing members of the Canadian Military and RCMP officers to "take care of the problem". This was apparently done with the blessing of the Prime Minister. Soldiers and officers moved in on the disobedient employees in a last ditch effort to force them back to work, drawing their weapons to illustrate a point. When the workers stood their ground and still refused to go back to work, government forces opened fire, killing 30 workers and critically wounding seven of them. Bystanders reacted in horror but quickly returned to what they were doing when soldiers pointed their weapons towards them. Several flights had to be delayed because the pilots who were supposed to fly them were killed. Other planes took off without any pilots because of the deaths.

Mississauga police investigated the airport slayings but quickly cleared the Canadian Military, RCMP, Air Canada, and the Harper government of any wrongdoing whatsoever. After the killings Prime Minister Harper took to the airwaves to deliver his response to the Canadian people, "After the tragic consequences of today's labour dispute at Pearson International Airport, it is clear to me that unions are becoming radical and dangerous. They pose not only an economic threat to this country but also a threat from a public safety viewpoint. As a result of this union's radical and dangerous behaviour and the strong steps we were forced to take to curb that behaviour, I regretfully have to announce the abolition of both unions and labour laws in general. By abolishing these two restraints on economic growth, we will make Canada not only safer but more prosperous as well".

Harper is now in the process of tabling legislation outlining the penalties for union-related activities. It is expected he will announce these new laws when he releases his budget later this week. Sources close to the Prime Minister indicate that mandatory minimum sentences for union activities will include a minimum five-year sentence for belonging to a union, a life sentence for encouraging another person to join a union, and the death penalty for union leaders as well as anyone who participates in a strike. Labour unions and human rights activists across the country are crying foul but many of them disappear in the night never to be seen again thanks to CSIS, Harper's secret police. With Harper poised to cling to power for the foreseeable future, it is expected that the dismantling of unions is just the latest in a string of Conservative policies being forced down the throat of Canadians. It is rumoured that education is next on the chopping block and some experts suggest that Canada's education system will be fully privatized sometime in 2015. It appears Canadians have made a huge lapse in judgement by granting Stephen Harper a majority government, and only now are they paying for it.


Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:In_the_wake_of_Pearson_Airport_Massacre,_Harper_abolishes_unions&oldid=5869335"