UnNews:Global Warming revives baby mammoth-sicle

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Wednesday, February 28, 2024, 13:54:59 (UTC)

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7 January 2008

Paramedics desperately check for a heartbeat.

SOME COLD PLACE –- Scientists made a stunning discovery today of a well-preserved baby mammoth thought to have lived nearly 40,000 years ago, a finding that may shed light on the broad implications of climate change. Frozen for millennia under layers of permafrost in one of the coldest regions on earth, the great state of Minnesota, the mammoth was revealed by the effects of global warming melting the North American ice mass.

Scientists were astonished at how well-preserved the mammoth remained, still replete with skin, bits of fur, and a roughly hewn quarter from the tusk-fairy engraved with a picture of Jesus.

It took a visiting child at the museum exhibiting “Dumbo,” however, to realize that the mammoth didn’t only look alive. Found by paramedics to be breathing shallowly, Dumbo was rushed immediately by helicopter to Los Angeles’s King Drew Medical Center, widely regarded as the most efficient hospital in the United States.

Scientists were shocked by this new development, and President George W. Bush capitalized on the feeling sweeping the nation that global warming was a miracle by challenging citizens to increase their carbon footprint by 100% in 2008. In response, California Terminator Ahnold Schwarzenebuchednezzar allegedly purchased four new Hummers, and a blimp.

When asked for a comment, Al Gore, known as a major supporter of dead baby animals such as polar bears, penguins, and Republicans, muttered sullenly that this finding was “an inconvenient truth,” and that he would be expecting a recount within the week.

Backing Gore's skepticism is famed pop star Kanye West, who told reporters in a highly original soundbite that "George Bush doesn't care about frozen baby mammoths."