UnNews:GOP will have no candidates in 2024

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20 December 2023

Ramaswamy tells an audience that the U.S. Government will be "this small" once he gets done. So STFU.

DENVER, Colorado -- The Republican Party is set to declare that it will have no candidates for U.S. President on ballots in 2024.

The chain of events follows a 4-3 decision of the Colorado Supreme Court that Donald Trump cannot be on Colorado ballots because he is essentially an officer of the Confederacy and thus cannot serve under the 14th Amendment. The argument has played out in other states, whose courts have gone the other way, but Colorado's decision suggests that lawyers will decide the contest long before voters show up. Lawyers in nearby Nebraska are preparing a matching lawsuit to bar President Joe Biden from being on that state's ballots, on the grounds that he has entered his second childhood and is essentially no longer "35 years of age" as the U.S. Constitution specifies.

However, Republican candidate Vivek Ramaswamy has taken matters into his own hands. The biotech entrepreneur and author of See How to Get Rich Quick by Buying This Book has "taken the pledge" that, in any state where Trump is not on the ballot, Vivek will pack up and go home as well.

Vivek, who has debated the other candidates as a Trump mini-me, advocates for a drastically smaller federal government than Trump himself could achieve, though one still big enough to administer an examination to tell us who is fit to vote. However, Vivek is suffering the same fate as "ideas" candidates in past elections: being listed in agate type under the heading Also Ran. Being compared to Mussolini by historian Van Jones, Vivek yelled that Jones should "shut the f**k up" twice in an on-stage appearance. When that outburst got no press, he devised the pledge.

Vivek challenged other candidates to also take the pledge. This should be a cinch, as they are merely bashing their party's leading candidate. Chris Christie stated that he has done the best mudslinging and the criticisms of Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley are mere opportunism. Officials like New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu have stated that the future of the Republican Party consists of uniting its log-rollers with a smattering of Democrat sabotage voters to "get beyond Trump". Thus, they should now join with Vivek and admit that, without Trump, there is no point in any of them running.

Unfortunately, Trump is now as old as...well, Biden, almost; and any of a number of things could happen to Trump between now and next November. Once all his opponents take the pledge, the Republicans would have no candidate at all.

GOP Chairwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel-McConnell says this is no problem, that next summer's Republican Nominating Convention will be able to find someone who has not taken the pledge. "Richard Nixon might not still be 'tanned, rested, and ready'", she says, "but surely Jeb Bush or someone will answer the call." The Party would campaign in the usual way: with embroidered velvet hand-towels for big contributors and, for everyone else, three-a-week postcards with tons of citations that no one will read.