UnNews:Final Frontier medicine takes a Sicilian turn

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Tuesday, June 18, 2024, 19:19:59 (UTC)

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24 November 2007

There he goes... crunch!

ORLANDO, FLORIDA (and also outer space) - NASA has announced today that it has taken the first step toward a deeper understanding of spatial medicine, by breaking some guy's arm in zero-G. It is believed that this will have a profound impact on the future of medicine back on Earth, as well as on the guy's arm.

NASA, world-renowned space exploration administration and recent Mafia purchase, claims that this is just the beginning of a "bold new direction" in spatial experimentation on people who won't pay up.

"It's a wonderful day for NASA," said mouthpiece Michael Sotero. "The time has finally come that we can kill two birds with one stone: conduct research in new and exciting areas of astrophysical medicine, and collect from our various clients."

Thomas H. Marshburn, NASA's latest victim guinea pig Mission Specialist, claims that he "only owed a couple of Cs," and that he "was going to pay up soon, honest!"

Not soon enough, apparently. When Marsburn was found to be late on his payments, NASA's mugs were sent to collect. Leonard Vanucchi, NASA's new director of, well, everything, green-lighted the mission to send Marshburn into space and break his arm, observing and recording the results and relaying them back to Kennedy Space Center.

Lenny Vanucchi: NASA's new Boss.

Doctors around the world are already responding positively to the new research that is being reported back to Earth.

"The implications of the data they've obtained are amazing," said a doctor whose name I had no idea how to spell. "We had no idea the breaking of the man's arm would react so differently in space. Clearly, more research is needed."

There should be no shortage of that, says NASA.

"We've got hundreds of people we could potentially send up and harm in some way vaguely useful to science," said Sotero. "We wouldn't know what else to do with all of them!"

When asked about future experiments, Sotero only smirked and hinted, "I've heard the doctors want to know more about the nature of kneecaps..."

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.