UnNews:Evan Bayh retires from U.S. Senate

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15 February 2010

"Screw this place!" the Senator said when he raced for the exits.

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana -- Centrist Democrat Evan Bayh (pronounced: bay-huh) declared he will not seek a third term this year.

"To put it in words I think most Hoosiers can understand: Congress sucks!" Bayh said at a news conference here, joined by his wife, two sons, and several farm animals. In fact, most Hoosiers--a nickname for Indiana residents--won't even understand this, as they don't know what Congress is.

The recent queue of Republicans suddenly anxious to "spend more time with my family" was expected by analysts, as going through the motions in a minority that only recently could even force a delay of a vote, is like a star pitcher playing out a career with the Kansas City Royals. However, the number of Democrats leaving the sinking ship of state was a surprise to many. That a popular centrist member would abandon a 59-41 majority--and leave with an attack on the institution, risking his future automatic lifetime sinecure as a lobbyist--was unfathomable.

Bayh said he could have been re-elected this November despite "the current challenging environment." Polls show an anti-incumbent fervor and voter anger over partisanship, high unemployment, and federal deficits. So running against government would be the key to victory--but not if you're not running.

"My decision should not be interpreted for more than it is," he continued, although he surely knew that everyone would. Bayh had raised $13 million for re-election, and the timing of his announcement gives his party a mere four days to recruit a successor before Friday's filing deadline for the May primary election.

"My passion for public service is undiminished, but my desire to do so by serving in Congress has waned," Bayh said at the news conference, though he was good on the Passion Thing just last week. At the press conference, Bayh praised other Senators and the party's agenda. That leaves only the Capitol building as the cause of his sudden disaffection, or perhaps its linoleum tile.

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