UnNews:Eskimos proposed for U.S. endangered species list

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28 December 2006

An eskimo in its natural habitat

Top U.S. politicians today proposed adding eskimos to the endangered species list in order to protect them from near extinction in parts of northern Canada. The law would make it illegal for people to capture, kill or engage in bestial sex with an eskimo, or do anything else which may threaten the lives and habitats of these creatures.

The proposed measure has met with fierce resistance from Canadian groups who assert that brutally clubbing eskimos to death is part of the Canadian way of life, and that the eskimo population would explode to unmanageable levels if they were left unchecked. Some Guy, chairperson of the pro-hunt group "Frontiersmen United in Continuing and Keeping With Inherent Traditions" (FUCKWITS) was quoted as saying, "These Eskimos are a nuisance eh, only yesterday I came home to find a bunch of igloos had been built in front of my house. How can I go aboot playing hockey if these eskimo types come and build an igloo in the middle of the ice eh?" The eskimo hunt has become a tradition in many parts of Canada, with up to 325,000 eskimos being clubbed to death each year. Many anti-hunt protesters including famous celebrities such as Sir Paul McCartney often brave the arctic conditions in order to spray paint the eskimos, thus making their pelts worthless. This does however negate the natural camoflauge that protects the eskimos from polar bear attacks.

Other residents of Canada also hit back at the "anti-bestiality" clause. One source, who was unwilling to be named, said that, "it gets very lonely in the cold arctic tundra, when all you've got is a couple of wild eskimos they start to look very attractive." A senior Canadian official said in a statement "This is America trying to police the world again, it's just like Iraq. These are our eskimos, we should be able to treat them as we like."

There may also be further reaching consequences if eskimos are placed upon the list it was revealed today. It would become illegal for a person to do anything which may threaten the habitat of the wild eskimo. Global warming is currently blamed for the loss of thousands of square miles of ice where the eskimos once frolicked. If the law does come into effect the U.S. may be forced to adhere to the terms of the Kyoto Treaty. Drilling into an eskimo for oil would also be prohibited.