UnNews:Egypt restores a retired Pharaoh as new leader

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4 July 2013

Pharaoh Tuthmoses II: Egypt's interim leader.

CAIRO, Egypt --

Egyptian armed forces have confirmed they deposed President Mohamed Morsi and replaced him with a mummy from the famous Cairo museum. Following weeks of unrest and general stone throwing between the supporters of Mohamed Morsi and his opponents, the army stepped in and declared Egypt would now be governed by the mummy of Tuthmoses II as an interim leader.

Speaking on television and surrounded by various men who were waiting for their supper, General Abdul Fattah al-Sisi explained the army had to step as 'that bloke with the beard' was messing up the country and that the Muslim Brotherhood couldn't run a tacky tourist souvenir stand without breaking things. Fattah al-Sisi said that he wasn't going to be Egypt's president but had decided to restore Pharaoh Tuthmoses II to that position in the meantime.

The Military Council chose Tuthmoses II as no one has heard of him. He let his wife-sister Hatshepsut brow-beat him to an early death and he appears to have done nothing else in his short reign. We could have chosen Pharaoh Ramases II but we decided he may be to interventionist and wish to invade Israel in revenge for losing an army to Moses. I trust all Egyptians accept this decision and get back to sitting around in cafes moaning about life.

Man without a beard dismisses a man with one.

A press spokesman said Pharaoh Tuthmoses would be 'staying mummy' until he worked out what to do. Museum experts said they would have to 'stabilise' him before letting the pharaoh out for his first official appearance since he died 3,500 years ago. They said that right now a crack team of historians are filling Tuthmoses in with information and polyfilla so that he will look good under the bright lights of television. Respected Egyptologist Professor Omar Sharif explained:

You can't expert a guy who has been dead that long and missed out on the Greeks, the Roman Empire, Jesus Christ, Mohammed and Justin Bieber to be up to speed just yet.

Egyptian clerics and scholars look forward to the re-institution of several contemporary practices by Tuthmoses II such as ancient Egyption religion which included the worship of cats and dung beetles, as well as the much anticipated funeral procedure of removing bodily organs with a metal hook.