UnNews:DC ballgame ends in deadlock

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We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:54:59 (UTC)
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17 June 2017

An additional disruption occurred late in the game, when the players decided to play rugby instead of baseball.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The annual Congressional baseball game ended with a score of 0-0, as both sides claimed a mandate but neither could deliver any results.

The biggest scoring threat occurred in the top of the first inning, when the Republican Party had the bases loaded with nobody out. However, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer demanded that the baserunners recuse themselves, because they were likely to act in a self-interested manner. When the three runners abandoned the basepaths, each was declared out, bringing the Democratic Party up to bat. Speaker Paul Ryan was sanguine about the squander, explaining that the Republicans' failure to score in the 1st inning would "clear the decks" for a high-scoring game later on.

The Democrats, however, were equally unable to score, as they turned their attention to appointing special prosecutors to investigate each of the fielders.

A highlight of the game was fan participation by James Hodgkinson. The student of the game arrived with a complete roster of the players, as well as a 7.62-caliber rifle and 9 mm handgun. Majority Whip Steve Scalise was the only hit batter.

Hodgkinson posted on social media that he wanted to bring an end to the Republican Party, and took care to ask a bystander to point the Republicans out to him. However, police caution that it may be weeks before a motive for his attack is known. The interruption led both teams to a wonderful moment of Bipartisan Unity, just before commencing to blame each other's rhetoric for the violence. President Donald Trump appeared on the Jumbotron to tell both teams they were making a splendid statement about themselves, which after all is why they came to the nation's capital.

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