UnNews:Company changes name to avoid confusion with terrorists

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Tuesday, November 30, 2021, 00:46:59 (UTC)

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19 December 2015

Honestly, it was the pyramid that created all the confusion.

BANGALORE, India -- Isis Pharmaceuticals announced that it will change its name because it is sick of being confused with the marauding Islamic terror group.

Chief Business Officer Sarah Boyce said the company has discussed such a move all year, but it became more urgent when the company's stock tanked the morning after the Paris massacre that ISIS took credit for. Boyce stated, "When you talk about the company, you want people's first thought to be about miracle drugs, and only later about using machine guns in an opera house."

Boyce said the company chose the name to recall the prowess of the Arabian heritage fighters, but it became problematic when they turned their attention to Western journalists and Russian air travelers. Boyce said the company is prepared for countless lawsuits for raising its prices infinity percent compared to ten years ago when the miracle drugs didn't exist, but is getting annoyed at the lawsuits seeking damages for the acts of others. "Every time they conquer another country, we have to do a secondary offering just to break even," Boyce said.

The eponymous terror army is known by many names. In addition to "Islamic State of Iraq and Syria," which describes what they have, U.S. President Barack Obama likes to address them as ISIL, "the Levant," which describes what they don't have but would like to conquer; or as the "Junior Varsity." This has led to additional confusion, given the record-setting win streak of the St. Clairsville, Ohio junior varsity girls' basketball team. The terror group is also known as "the Caliphate" and "the Douche," though they have sworn to cut off the tongue of anyone who uses the latter term, and who can blame them? The multiplicity of names could spell headaches for additional commercial businesses if it led to comparable confusion.

The change will take effect December 22. The stock ticker symbol will also be changed, to reflect the company's new name, Third Reich Pharmaceuticals.