UnNews:Cambridge to introduce 'face tests'

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Democracy Dies with Dignity UnNews Tuesday, November 30, 2021, 16:11:59 (UTC)

Cambridge to introduce 'face tests' UnNews Logo Potato.png

3 February 2016

Applicants who fail the 'face test' will be thrown into this incinerator, down the street from Cambridge University.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Cambridge University applicants are to undergo 'face tests' as part of the university's new enrollment procedure.

The University has purchased new facial recognition equipment that will process students' faces onto a new face database. The software will determine whether an applicant is suitable to become a student at the university, replacing the traditional qualifications.

Education secretary Nicky Morgan was outraged, saying "This move is disgusting. Determining someone's intelligence on their face is ridiculous." Morgan vows to appeal to the House of Commons to force Cambridge University to reverse the decision.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, however, supported the move. "Cambridge University have made a forward-thinking decision. Some people simply aren't university material. This new software will recognise the criminal scum and prevent them from progressing onto higher education. As long as you don't discriminate against terrorists. Terrorists are important to our society."

Exam regulator Ofqual are reportedly also conducting an inquiry, after Professor Richard Dawkins underwent the 'face test' during a trial run, was rejected as a scholar, and was later stripped of his honours.

Google have expressed an interest in collaborating with the new entrance programme. Their face-recognition software could key off the Cambridge database. Security cameras already located in the toilets at many pubs to protect from bullying any transvestite men who are in the mood to use the ladies' loo, could identify individual patrons and, for instance, show which Cambridge students are out late the night before an exam.

Although the current project involves only face recognition, Google have proposed a separate, stand-alone qualification with washroom applicability, known as the ASS-level.