UnNews:Cabbage Mafia assassinates head of lettuce

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July 21 2022

Aussies continue to go without lettuce in their burgers, often telling fast-food workers to not even substitute cabbage.

SUNSHINE COAST, Australia -- The Cabbage Mafia has retaliated against the Lettuce Mafia by assassinating the head lettuce in charge.

After the Queensland floodings a few months ago wiping out 80% of the lettuce population in Australia, cabbage was started to be used in place of the missing lettuce in salads, and burgers. However, recently, the surviving lettuce managed to repopulate, and things started to return to normal with lettuce starting to come back into KFC, Red Rooster, and Hungry Jacks burgers.

Meanwhile, business for cabbage, previously swiped to the side like many guys on Tinder, started to boom. The cabbage industry, which had been down 150%, saw an increase of over 9000%, with many of the proceeds going to the Cabbage Mafia after they managed to take over the vegetable criminal underworld while the Lettuce Mafia was left to crumble and drown (in all of the flood water).

Earlier today, a cabbage hit squad executed a hit on the Lettuce Mafia head family poncho, Let Tuce. While in a convoy led by Australian supermarket and security company Coles, his white delivery van was struck. Over a thousand carrots were shot into the van, killing Mr. Tuce and his associates inside. The Coles delivery driver managed to escape with his life after his girlfriend, a turnip who was in the glove box, distracted one of the cabbage hitmen with her looks and beauty.

"Just eat the cabbage," Agent Brussel Spout urges the public. "We know you don't like it, and frankly we don't either, but the sooner we eat all the cabbage, the sooner we can get lettuce back in our meals."

The Australian Federal Police have also issued a shoot-to-kill warrant on all Cabbage Mafia members, with reports that more attacks are pomegranate in the coming days.

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Australian cops take on lettuce Mafia