UnNews:Australian cops take on lettuce Mafia

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Saturday, June 25, 2022, 15:55:59 (UTC)

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11 June 2022

This lettuce was arrested on two counts of second degree murder.

CANBERRA, Australia -- The Australian Federal Police (AFP) have announced Operation Iron Leaf to combat the rising crime committed by the Lettuce Mafia.

After the AFP arrested Mafia figureheads, the Cabbage Coalition seized control of the Australian criminal underworld, striking a deal with American fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken to use only cabbage in its burgers. In response, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese warned that the chicken company will be punished. He stated, "Siding with the criminals in such cases never ends well for the criminals. The AFP will take down the traitors at KFC accordingly. Also, putting cabbage in burgers is just plain wrong!"

As the lowerheads of the Lettuce Mafia try to regain their control of the Australian vegetable trade, lettuce at Cole's and Woolworth's have increased in price by 250%, as the AFP raids have thrown a curve at the supply/demand curve. Angry Hungry shoppers are blasting the Police for cracking down on illegal activity, insisting that they should spend their time catching speeders, red-light runners, or be investigating the liberal Leek Party. The Leeks polled 2% in the Federal Election even though nobody eats leeks. An undercover leek for the Legalise Carrot Juice party leaked information into Parliament that members of that party were illegally drinking carrot juice to ASIO.

As the AFP continues to make lettuce arrests, KFC has started to run out of cabbage to feed its customers, starting both a lettuce and cabbage epidemic. It is uncertain if this epidemic will last longer than that of the Corona Beer Floodings in Queensland, and if the Australian Government will redirect some of its billions from buying nuclear submarines to assisting those in need.