UnNews:Australian cops take on lettuce Mafia
| Straight talk, from straight faces | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:49:59 (UTC) |
| Australian cops take on lettuce Mafia | 
|
11 June 2022
CANBERRA, Australia -- The Australian Federal Police (AFP) have announced Operation Iron Leaf to combat the rising crime committed by the Lettuce Mafia.
After the AFP arrested Mafia figureheads, the Cabbage Coalition seized control of the Australian criminal underworld, striking a deal with American fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken to use only cabbage in its burgers. In response, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese warned that the chicken company will be punished. He stated, "Siding with the criminals in such cases never ends well for the criminals. The AFP will take down the traitors at KFC accordingly. Also, putting cabbage in burgers is just plain wrong!"
As the lowerheads of the Lettuce Mafia try to regain their control of the Australian vegetable trade, lettuce at Cole's and Woolworth's have increased in price by 250%, as the AFP raids have thrown a curve at the supply/demand curve. Angry Hungry shoppers are blasting the Police for cracking down on illegal activity, insisting that they should spend their time catching speeders, red-light runners, or be investigating the liberal Leek Party. The Leeks polled 2% in the Federal Election even though nobody eats leeks. An undercover leek for the Legalise Carrot Juice party leaked information into Parliament that members of that party were illegally drinking carrot juice to ASIO.
As the AFP continues to make lettuce arrests, KFC has started to run out of cabbage to feed its customers, starting both a lettuce and cabbage epidemic. It is uncertain if this epidemic will last longer than that of the Corona Beer Floodings in Queensland, and if the Australian Government will redirect some of its billions from buying nuclear submarines to assisting those in need.
Sources[edit]
- Charlie Moore "Anthony Albanese blasts KFC for using cabbage in its burgers as the price of lettuce skyrockets: 'That's just wrong'". Daily Mail Australia, June 9, 2022
- Nick Bonyhady "Lettuce shortage forces KFC to put cabbage in burgers; some Subway stores run out". Sydney Morning Herald, June 7, 2022
- Peter Hoskins "KFC Australia forced to swap lettuce for cabbage". BBC, June 8, 2022
- Ally Foster "Aussies warned of the next staple vegetable likely to be hit with shortages". News.com.au, June 8, 2022
- Alys Marshall "Why is there a lettuce shortage? Australians warned prices won't come down any time soon". ABC, June 8, 2022
- "AFP to target Italian organised crime and money laundering a year on from Operation Ironside". Australian Federal Police, June 7, 2022
- Mark Reddie "AFP targeting Italian mafia figures in next phase of AN0M probe". ABC, June 7, 2022
- "AFP targeting Italian mafia figures". ABC, June 8, 2022