UnNews:Brutus found not guilty of stabbing Julius Caesar

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14 February 2021

Clumsy Caesar falls on other people's knives.

ROME, Italy

In dramatic scenes not witnessed since general Sulla attacked Rome nearly 40 years ago, Brutus and his fellow conspirators were cleared of killing Julius Caesar on the floor of the Senate. Despite standing there with bloodied knives and going live on the steps of the Senate to explain what they said had happened, Senators said there was insufficient evidence that the death was anything but a mistake. The Roman Republican Party stood largely in defence of Brutus's behaviour, saying he may be an 'Et tu, Brute?' to Caesar but he was a hero to the Make Rome Great Again populace. The youthful Senator Mitchus McConnellus explained their reasoning. He said:

I have no doubt Marcus Brutus and Gaius Cassius had a part in the death of our dictator-for-life Julius Caesar but as Senators know, Brutus did apologise for what he had done on the steps of this building. He had been minding his own business, sharpening his knife with his fellow blade enthusiasts when Caesar tripped on his toga and impaled himself on their daggers. It was accidental and tragic. Now let the Senate move on and discuss different type of cuts. Tax cuts.

In response to Senator McConnellus, the even younger Tribune Nancius Pelosius from the Populist Democrats was angry with her rival's reasoning. Speaking to her supporters she pledged to 'fight, fight and fight' again to impeach Brutus. She said:

The Republicans in the Senate have rolled over for Brutus. We heard the reports. Caesar was killed, it was no accident. I trust our leader Consul Josephus Bidenus will re-open this case and bring justice.

Brutus was not present in Rome when the verdict was delivered. He has since moved to Greece to organise an army of MRGA supporters to return and legally assassinate a few more political enemies. Starting with Marc Antony and Octavian.


Sources[edit]

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