UnNews:Boston declares war on Detroit

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4 September 2013

Carpet-bombing from Boston might effect a quick widening of Interstate 94 and ease the daily commute to hope for work.

BOSTON, Massachusetts -- The U.S. City of Boston intends to wage a missile strike on the City of Detroit, Michigan.

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino made the declaration in a recent interview with the New York Times. He told the newspaper, "I’d blow up the place and start all over." Menino cited the fact that it takes 90 minutes for the police to respond to an emergency call. "Forty percent of the streetlights are out, most of the buildings are boarded up," the mayor added.

Detroit is a bankrupt city 700 miles west of Boston, currently being operated in receivership by the State of Michigan. Its population has famously fallen by two-thirds in the last two decades, because of delays in the construction of a second bridge to Windsor, Ontario, with which the depopulation could have been completed by now. A missile strike would have to cross Canadian airspace and pass over Windsor, and would need the cooperation of the Canadian government. Menino has declared he has no plans to put boots on the ground and the missile strikes would be done merely to send a message. This would be the first message Menino has sent in 20 years as mayor, mostly owing to his signature poor diction.

Mayor Bing responded to the threat from Detroit City Hall.

The controversy began a year ago, when weapons of mass destruction began to be used in the region, namely, bulldozers demolishing government housing projects, a perverse turn in the science of "urban renewal." Despite Menino's claim that their use in Detroit would "cross a red line," the practice has now spread from suburban Flint and Pontiac to the metropolis itself. Menino has been a long-time opponent of this obstacle of good housing in the inner city, known as red-lining.

Detroit Mayor Dave Bing replied that Menino's remarks were insensitive, especially in view of the fact that the notorious Zarnayev brothers recently did try to blow up Boston and start all over. Bing defended the practice of boarding up windows, because without plywood, flies could enter the buildings. Regarding slow police response, Bing noted that Detroit is a big place, with two entire cities inside its borders. "We don't have permission to go through Hamtramck," Bing said, "so we have to go around it."

Backtracking from his remarks to the Times, Menino has more recently suggested that an alternative to missile strikes might be to "offer help." The usual help provided in Boston is ballots and schooling in foreign languages, and two or three Electronic Benefit Transfer cards per citizen. Police do arrive within the hour in Boston, but few citizens cooperate with them. Mayor Bing took a moment to consider this and stated that he would prefer the missile strike.