UnNews:Biblical researcher discovers new details about the Beast

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5 June 2006

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HOUSTON (AP) -- An article in this week's Biblical Archaeology Magazine, says noted scholar Dr. Richard Menses has discovered that the pin-number of The Beast of Revelation is actually "6666". The discovery is a result of over 20 years of painstaking research conducted by Menses and a team of 23 grad students working under a grant from the Chubb Group.

"The number is specifically mentioned in the earliest versions of the Bible as being used by The Beast to make deposits and withdrawals, to check his balances, and to occasionally buy stamps," said Menses. "The discovery, happening at this particular time in history, might be interpreted as one of the 'signs and wonders' of the 'End Times'."

Other scholars have cast doubt on Menses's discovery, however, pointing to a total lack of ATMs and supermarkets at the time the Bible was written as an indication that he may be reading too much into the Holy Scriptures than is actually there. "I mean, really," commented Dr. Willis Fortrent, Head of the Biblical Studies Department at Brandeis University. "What the fuck?" Howard Crain, Archaeology Professor at the University of Maryland, noted, "I think that The Beast might think of something a little less obvious, don't you? Like 6667, maybe."

But Menses remains undaunted by such criticism. "These are the same kind of weak objections I got from my so-called 'peers,' when I discovered that the main dish at The Last Supper was barbecued pork," he replied. "A lot of people just can't stand when new knowledge replaces old dogma."