UnNews:An all new, prettier, better blue screen of death

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30 January 2007

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- At long long last, Microsoft launches its new blue screen of death, Blue Death Screen Millennium Vista, on Tuesday, promising "the wow starts now".

BDSM Vista will offer a range of all new features and gadgets, carefully cut and pasted from Apple OS-X. In addition, the new operating system will offer the user a range of Blue Screen of Death templates, including Classic, Elegant and Contemporary.

Vista Blue Screen of Death - "Classic"
Vista Blue Screen of Death - "Elegant"
Vista Blue Screen of Death - "Contemporary"
3D glasses will be provided with every Vista shipped

Microsoft boss Bill Gates outlined his vision of the connected future, telling experts in Las Vegas: "The digital decade is happening.", a vision not unlike that which Steve Jobs announced two decades ago, suggesting the Microsoft is indeed catching up. Mr Gates was speaking on the eve of the world's largest hi-tech conference, the Consumer Electronics Show. In a speech with few other announcements, Mr Gates outlined how his firm's latest operating system Vista would be the tool to connect people.

He said the hardware and content had been put in place "and the key thing missing is the connections." He said his engineers are working on the problem and a patch would be available soon on the internet.

Intel stock leapt higher on the news that hardly any PCs will be able to run Vista - Microsoft recommends machines have at least 512Mb of RAM, a 800Mhz processor and 15Gb of hard disk space. That leaves you about a 640kb to run everything else, like in the good old days.

A stripped down version of the OS, Vista Starter, is aimed for non-Pentagon customers and those in developed and developing countries. It will be available in 70 languages and will run on slower and older PCs, but not on typewriters.

Geeks, nerds and bored workers worldwide reacted with dismay to the news that Microsoft Messenger will be incompatible with Windows Vista. Indeed, news on the street is that a number of Microsoft packages will be incompatible. This follows a US Supreme Court ruling that it was unfair that Microsoft did not suffer from compatibility issues with its own technology. In response the firm has decided to make random Microsoft products incompatible at random times.

By blocking access to the almost the entire Internet, Vista is also more secure. The system is configured in such a way that everything is blocked except for access to designated sites could be regarded as being absolutely secure. But, it is expected that that will leave the user constrained and sexually frustrated.

Mr Gates also confirmed that next year would see his last keynote speech at CES as he steps down as head of Microsoft.

He said he had offered to come back the following year but that he might "talk more about infectious diseases than software", referring to his philanthropic work aimed at eradicating Microsoft products in the developing world.