UnNews:Amazon to adopt Obamacare innovations

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3 December 2013

Amazon will use massive 12-bit processors to ensure customer satisfaction 80% of the time.

SILICON VALLEY, California -- Amazon chief Jeff Bezos announced here that the Amazon website will adopt key innovations of the new Obama-care website.

The move comes days after Amazon made the astonishing announcement that it would deliver Christmas merchandise using not only drones but postal workers.

The key innovation is that, when the Amazon website determines that it will crash before completing a customer purchase, it will email the customer to suggest a time that he or she might return to the site to try to get luckier.

Mr. Bezos, a prominent contributor to the Democratic Party, famously announced on 60 Minutes a decade ago that he hoped to build a website that would "know what the customer wants before he or she does," whereas his protegé, President Obama, built a website that claims to know what insurance the customer wants regardless of what the customer says. Analysts say it is natural that the two websites cross-pollinated.

Other innovations are that the Amazon website will abandon its use of PayPal in favor of a payment system on which work will start next year, hopefully, and will discard the "fulfillment" function, which ensures that customers actually get what they ordered. The innovations will reportedly obviate half of Amazon's employees, who can then be laid off before Amazon is required to pay for them to get "universal coverage."

In addition, the new Amazon website will have only three products, identified by shiny metallic colors; each will include some features that are useless to any particular purchaser; and the site will not disclose the price of any product until after collecting detailed personal information on the purchaser. This last innovation has resulted in a lawsuit from the American Automobile Dealers' Association, which claims that it holds the patent on it.