UnNews:"Iraq causes headaches," says US troops

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18 April 2008

Iraq in a state where the fog makes their head hurt.

WASHINGTON D.C., In a new study posted by the government, 53% of all troops said that Iraq itself has given them a headache. According to the study, 320,000 troops were constantly getting headaches from the constant bangs from guns fired around the area, incomprehensible language that the enemy keep shouting in, constant explosions that make the ground shake and the constant talking of other people. The city of Iraq has been known to been a major health hazard before the war, with a lot of harmful chemicals in the air and some third hand smoke. But this survey changes what people think of Iraq, and not because a war is going on there. Many people have already canceled their trips to Iraq in retaliation. One environmentalist had this to say about the survey.

Yeah, I think that this survey has changed my views on Iraq, and that I will never visit that place ever again. I don't want to get a massive headache that'll last for months and months do I? No, I want my head to be clear, focused and headache free.

Troops coming back from Iraq are also finding their heads to be aching after acting a 12-month call of duty tour. Most troops took only Excedrin daily in hopes that their headaches would go away. Others has resorted to the process of laying their head around a pillow, many who have laid their head around a pillow have either missed work, important events or went to sleep due to them resting their head on a pillow 24/7. A few have resorted to wearing around a football helmet 24/7, though some say it relives "some" of the pain. Almost all of them have been ridiculed as being a freak, which such names as "NFL Reject" and "Michael Vick". One guy who was wearing a football helmet at the time had this to say.

This guy, tired of all the ridicule he's been given. Might be thinking of getting a metal plate.
As I wear this helmet as a reminder of the time I've been in Iraq, and I've been ridiculed by every person in town. They even came up with a name for me, "Helmethead"!. I'm thinking of getting a metal plate so I can remove some of the pain this headache cause me.

Mental Problems have started to pop up in approximately 3.14% of the people who went to Iraq. Mostly caused by the headaches, known problems include hampered development skills and permanent damage in the areas that are able to comprehend language, logistics and humor. Estimates state that 120,000 more people will develop mental problems, and in 2010, the number would of doubled to 240,000 and and the percentage of these people with these problems will rise to 52%. Most activists have called for the current president to call this whole war off. But the president has denied every statement to call off the war, saying "Whoever the current and future president is, we will keep fighting in Iraq until the terrorists give themselves up and wet their pants. A few problems aren't going to stop us from fighting this war through."